If Only Page 16

  “Excuse me.” Scarlett said stepping around Lauren.

  Lauren reached a hand out. Scarlett shook it and pulled away quickly.

  “It’s nice to meet you. I’m sure Mia has told you a lot about me.”

  “No, nothing actually.” Scarlett said slipping into her seat.

  I stifled a laugh.

  Lauren looked between us embarrassed. When she turned around her fiancée signaled for her to return to him.

  “I have to go but it was nice to see you Mia and it was nice to meet you...”

  “Scarlett.” Scarlett said, filling in Lauren’s blank.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Scarlett.”

  When Lauren walked off, I pursed my lips, feeling my chest tighten.

  “The food smells wonderful.” Scarlett complimented avoiding the topic, as it sauntered back to its next victim.

  I cut into my steak violently. When I looked up, Scarlett was smirking at me. “It’s okay to be upset.”

  “I’m not upset. I just don’t get how she still pretends we’re still friends.”

  “Maybe she’s in denial.”

  “Big time.” I said.

  Scarlett giggled.

  “But that’s Lauren – twenty-four seven, three sixty-five Denial fucking central.” I said laughing.

  “I love how resolute you are in your decisions, Mia. I aspire to be just like that. I wish I could be that way with Christian. I can’t stop fucking him. I have to stay away from him.” Scarlett chortled out, taking the shell off a shrimp.

  I laughed.

  Scarlett took a long sip of her margarita and winked her eye at me. It was sexy and playful. Then she belted out a laugh that caused the people at the next table to turn around.

  “You have to stop fucking him, Scarlett. It’s only making things harder.”

  “I know.”

  Scarlett giggled and then so did I.

  “Every single time Jacqueline pops into my head and I think of her with him and her pregnant now, it makes me want to fuck Christian over and over. I want to fuck his brains out.”

  “You’re jealous Scarlett, that’s why. To you, she’s your competition. She’s taken something from you.”

  Scarlett sighed, fiddling with her ponytail. “I solemnly swear, that I will not fuck Christian anymore.” She said holding a hand up as if she was making an oath to herself.

  “You know I thought about a lot of the things you’ve said.” I said.

  “About what?”

  “Your relationship with Christian.”

  Scarlett’s long lashes rested on her cheeks and then she looked up at me slowly.

  “To be able to forgive and still love him through all that anger and hurt. He knows you love him and he still needs you.

  “Christian knows he’s lost you. He knows that he has done irreparable damage to your relationship but I love that you’ve drawn the line somewhere...to protect yourself.”

  Scarlett sat back in her seat. “I didn’t think anyone would ever understand that.” She said smiling at me. “I don’t even think Christian really understands how I feel.”

  “I do.” I said.“I wish someone could love me that way.”

  “Someone will, Mia.”

  Scarlett

  I was exhausted by the time I reached home.

  After dinner, Mia and I went to see a movie. We sat next to each other, sharing popcorn and bag of peanut M & M s. The entire time, our elbows touched and I couldn’t help but wanting to hold her hand but I didn’t. I knew I would have a lot to explain if I did and Mia and I were friends. I didn’t want to mess that up.

  The clock told me it as just after one in the morning. Mia’s get together was on Sunday at her place. I reminded myself to pick up a bottle of wine on the way. I shut off the light and stared up at the ceiling for a while. Then the fucking next door started. I groaned and listened to them go at it for almost an hour. When it finally stopped, I checked my phone. Christian had called me in the last two days thirty-five times and he’d left me nine voicemails. I played the most recent one, making a note to check the rest.

  “I was just calling to check on you. Have you found a place yet? I can get our realtor to help to find one in our neighborhood here.”

  I smirked.

  Christian made a long breath into the phone. “I just wanted to tell you, I love you Scarlett. Okay. I will try to call you again in a few minutes. I miss you.

  “I thought you might come here again last night. Then I thought maybe we could do dinner or something or I could make dinner here and you could come here for a little bit and we could talk.” Christian babbled on.

  Christian didn’t cook. He was offering to make me dinner? I’d never heard him like this before. I knew something had gone very wrong with his day. I ended the message and tapped off a quick text to Christian.

  ‘Sleep tight.’

  Almost immediately a text came back. ‘I can’t without you.’

  ‘Try – you have to.’

  There was no response.

  I pressed my cheek into the pillow, willing sleep to take me away.

  Scarlett

  I awoke in the morning feeling angry. Now, I stood underneath the hot water of the shower, scrubbing myself violently, while tears streamed down my face. This was the third time I soaped myself up. I did it for a fourth time making sure I did it right.

  I didn’t sleep well last night. Each time I closed my eyes, my dreams reminded me of how much of a liar Christian was. In the last few months, I think I pushed myself out of thinking about it. When I did, it hurt and it hurt bad. I thought back to every strange occurrence and every single time I thought things weren’t right. Each night Christian came home late and jumped straight in the shower. I wondered where he might’ve been each time he told me he had a dinner or drinks with potential clients. They were all lies!

  The perfume I smelled on his shirts, the days I washed them. Once, his gym pants had the strangest scent on them, that wasn’t him. The pink smudge on his suit jacket that I had to take to the cleaners. The scratch marks on his back and neck and what I believe was a bite mark near his groin. It was all right in front of me. I was just too stupid or in denial to admit it to myself. I was such a fucking idiot. I sobbed into my hands. I loved my husband. I still did but I wondered what I did wrong for him to forget about us, forget about me. What was he thinking?

  I toweled off and sat on the edge of the toilet. This wasn’t supposed to hurt so much after all this time had passed. When would it stop hurting? When would I ever be able to forget about it all?

  I checked my emails and responses for the apartment listings that I enquired into. There were a few openings for places in the area.

  There was a knock on the door. I wrapped the towel tighter around me and stepped out of the bathroom. I moved closer to the door, noticing a familiar silhouette. There was another hard knock. I hesitantly unlatched it, opening it part way. Christian stood in front of me with his hands in the pockets of his track pants, staring at the pavement beneath his feet. When he looked up, he gave me a pitiful look.

  “What happened?” He asked pushing his way in.

  I placed my hand against Christian’s chest as he looked me over.

  “Can I come in please, Scar?”

  “No.”

  Christian grimaced and pushed his way in. He gripped my elbow and shut the door behind us. “I called you a few times, you’re not answering.”

  I sighed. “You can’t just show up here, Christian.” I said wiping my tears.

  “I had to see you. I was hoping you would come back ho-.”

  “How many times did you fuck her, Christian?”

  He froze looking at me. “Scar, please.”

  “How many?” I screeched.

  His eyes filled with tears. “I don’t know, Scar.”

  “You took her out to dinner? You went out on dates with her?”

  He only nodded.

  I sobbed even more when he stepped forward.
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  “I wanted to explain Scar but the way things have been going haven’t really given me the chance.” Christian wiped his own tears. “You won’t let me.”

  “What is there to explain, Christian? There is nothing to explain.”

  He reached out a hand to touch me and I shrank away from him.

  “I shut my eyes and all I think about is you fucking her, while I was sitting at home waiting for you.”

  “Scar, please.”

  “You’re a liar.”

  He covered his face with his hands.

  “All you’ve done is lied to me for I don’t know how long.”

  “I’m really sorry.”

  “Was she better than me in bed, Christian?”

  “No.” He whispered.

  “You’ve been fucking her, haven’t you? This entire time we’ve been apart!”

  “No.” Christian said shaking his head.

  “I saw her a few weeks ago and she’s big Christian, with your fucking baby growing inside of her and do you know -.” I said holding my index finger up. “Do you know that she fucking smirked at me!” I fumed, allowing myself to feel rage for what I think was the first time.

  Christian muttered something to himself and looked at the floor.

  “I’m a joke Christian to everyone. To you. To her. To all of our friends.”

  “You’re not a joke, Scar.”

  I scoffed, wiping my eyes. “How could you do this to us?”

  Christian sat down on the edge of the bed, and covered his face with his hands. “You don’t think I wish I could go back and change everything Scar because I do! I wish I could fix everything.”

  “Clearly, there was something about Jacqueline that made you want to fuck her Christian. So, don’t lie and say it was nothing.”

  Christian sucked his teeth.

  “Tell me.” I said angrily.

  “There was nothing really, Scar. If anything, maybe I liked the fact that she wanted me so badly, I don’t know.”

  I swallowed hard. “Did you ever think of me Christian, when you were fucking her?”

  Christian shut his eyes. “Of course, I did Scar. I told you I stopped.” Christian said softly.

  I swallowed hard. I didn’t know why I was torturing myself with these questions.

  “Why are you asking me all this now? I thought maybe things were getting better. You came home. We made love. Remember?”

  I held my towel tighter. “Have you ever fucked anyone else Christian behind my back?”

  “No, never I swear.” He said emphatically.

  I threw my hands up in the air. “What difference does it make now, I guess.” I spat out.

  “Why - why are you - .” Christian remained silent and stood, dropping his arms to his side. “I want you to come home.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You need more time?”

  “I need more everything, Christian. It doesn’t matter how many men or women I sleep with. It doesn’t make me feel any better because all I ever wanted was you.”

  Christian ran a hand through his dark hair and gritted his teeth. “I know, Scar.”

  “And I don’t trust you anymore.” I said in a weak voice.

  “I know.”

  “You’re a slithering snake.” I hissed. “Please get out.”

  Christian stepped closer to me, reaching out his hand.

  “I-I never meant to hurt you, Scar. I told you I sto-stopped but by the time I did, I was so far down the rabbit hole, it was too late. She was already pregnant and I knew I had to tell you.” Christian stuttered out.

  I whacked his arm away and he came closer. He cupped the back of my neck and pulled me in for a kiss.

  “I hate you.” I murmured against his lips. “I fucking hate you.”

  “I hate myself.” Christian whispered, lifting me up, cradling the back of my head with his hands. “But if you hate me Scar, that hurts even more.”

  The bath towel fell away. Christian kissed me harder, breathing hard. He scrambled to push down his pants and before I could even speak, he was inside of me. I let out a loud cry, knowing I was doing the wrong thing. Why did I keep doing this? Christian fucked me hard, cradling my body against his in mid-air, reminding me of how strong he was. I buried my face into his neck, inhaling the natural scent of his warm skin.

  “I love you Scar, only you. I swear it.” Christian whispered into the shell of my ear and then kissed it.

  With each stroke of his cock, Christian grunted loudly as if he was in pain, driving into me as though he was searching for himself. Pretty soon, I was coming with him as he beat into me, coaxing a strangled cry from my throat. I was covered in sweat. My back slammed against the drywall from the movement of Christian’s powerful body against mine and for a moment, I just wanted to forget everything.

  I dug my fingers into his shoulders as the violent orgasm moved through me. Christian groaned and pushed hard into me, finding his own climax. He let me down slowly. I slumped against the wall and looked at the tile floor, realizing the insides of my thighs were slicked with his cum. I picked the towel up from the floor and wrapped it around me, feeling exposed and ashamed of myself.

  “I wish I could make you smile again. I hate that all I do now is make you cry.”

  “Please go.” I whispered.

  Christian sighed. “Scar, please let me stay.”

  “No.” I said so quietly, I barely heard my own voice. “Please go.”

  “Please let me stay. We can spend the day together. I can help you find a new place.” Christian begged.

  “Just go!” I screamed, glaring at him.

  Christian took a deep breath. I watched his shoulders fall in defeat. He grabbed his keys and headed for the door. When he reached it, he stopped, keeping his back to me.

  “Okay...but I’m not going to stop trying, Scar.” Christian said quietly.

  Then he was gone.

  When the door clicked, I slid down the wall to the floor and cried.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Mia

  “What’s the matter with you?” Connor asked, squinting his eyes at me as he shoved a carrot into his mouth.

  “Nothing.” I said, tidying the cushions on the couch one last time.

  Connor sucked his teeth, taking a long sip of red wine. “Liar. You’re such a fucking liar.”

  I scurried back to the kitchen, to take another look at the food I had delivered.

  “Do you think this is enough?” I asked Connor, scrutinizing the food on the platters.

  Connor rolled his eyes. “Yes, Mia. It’s enough. Who are you inviting? The navy?”

  I sighed and leaned against the counter, placing a hand on the top of my belly.

  Connor stepped closer to me. His large frame easily casting a shadow where I stood into darkness.

  “There’s a lot of intelligence behind those browns.” He mumbled, burning his eyes into mine. “But tonight, all I see is nervousness. What’s going on?”

  “Nothing.” I said, stepping away from him.

  Connor grinned, showing nearly every single one of his teeth.

  “You like this woman.” He teased.

  I ran a hand through my hair and looked away from him, turning the tea kettle on.

  “No, she’s a friend Connor. That’s it.”

  Connor stepped away to pour himself more wine and to dip back into the raw vegetables. “What’s her story aside from being the douly for you?”

  I laughed. “Doula.” I said accentuating the word.

  “Whatever.” Connor muttered.

  “She’s getting divorced, no kids.”

  “Interesting.”

  I glared at Connor.

  “Is she gay, Mia?”

  I sighed and shrugged. “I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, nothing is happening. It isn’t like that.”

  Connor hummed. “Well, I can tell and I know Rae can. Did you invite Rae tonight?”

  I nodded.

  “Scarlett knows I’m a
lesbian, so the fact that I have gay friends won’t exactly be a surprise to her.”

  “And she still agreed to come?”

  “Yes.” I said, searching the cabinets for a tea bag.

  “Interesting again.”

  “Why do you keep saying that?”

  Connor laughed. “Aren’t you a jumpy little thing tonight. You should relax before you get gas, Mia.”

  I giggled and gave him the finger.

  “Scarlett is a beautiful name. Associated with the bright red color and indirectly with the biblical scarlet woman in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s 1850 novel The Scarlet Letter, in which heroine Hester Prynne is forced to wear a scarlet letter A, as a sign of her adultery.”

  I rolled my eyes at Connor. “How do you know this stuff?”

  Connor shrugged and I scoffed, certain he was drunk by now. His boyfriend Rory sat on the couch, watching an episode of Real Housewives.

  Rory was quiet and demure and much smaller in stature than Rory. He wasn’t much of a talker or the social butterfly that Connor was. He’d been here many times and hardly ever said a word to me. I tried not to take it personal. It was just the way Rory was.

  Connor always joked that people assumed that because of Connor’s size he was the one that delivered and Rory received but it was actually the opposite way around. I still struggled to imagine that.

  The doorbell rang. Butterscotch trotted towards the door, barking.

  “When are you going to get rid of that mut!” Connor yelled.

  I opened the door and Rae and her girlfriend Frenchie stood in front of me.

  “Hey!” Rae yelled pushing herself into the door, embracing me into a hug.

  “Hey, Mia.” Frenchie muttered.

  They both disappeared into the kitchen to talk to Connor.

  Frenchie and Rae were total opposites. Frenchie was petite and quiet. Rae was big, aggressive and loud. The pair had been together for years. I knew Rae was planning to propose soon. Hopefully, Frenchie would accept, if not I was sure Rae would just scare her into saying yes.

  I fiddled with the hem of my sweater. I didn’t know why I was so fucking nervous. Since this morning, the baby was moving a lot, more than usual, probably in response to my unsettled state. I was frantic. Maybe Connor was right. I was lusting after a woman while pregnant. I was shameless. Running a hand through my hair, I took in my reflection in the mirror, which looked good I guess. I left my hair out today. I was so used to always having it in a bun and I put some lip gloss on. My cheeks were a bit full now and my skin was more radiant that I think it had ever been. All thanks to pregnancy I guess.