If Only Read online

  IF ONLY

  BY: DAYA DANIELS

  Table of Contents

  Disclaimer

  Copyright

  Acknowledgments

  Quote

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Epilogue

  About the Author

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

  Copyright@ 2016 by Daya Daniels

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

  Acknowledgments

  Thank you to everyone who has encouraged my writing.

  To my wonderful husband, I love you. Your support is priceless.

  Thank you to J. Your friendship for the last twenty-five years is invaluable. I couldn’t have asked for a better beta reader for this book.

  ‘Sometimes the person you fall for isn’t ready to catch you.’

  -Unknown

  CHAPTER ONE

  Mia

  They always say never take back someone that you’ve broken up with a million times before. It’s undoubtedly a sign of both desperation and denial. The reason the two of you broke up the first time, will not ironically be the very reason you break up the next.

  Why did I do this to myself? I had to be the poster child for masochism.

  I was in love with Lauren and had been since we were in the tenth grade. We’d been good friends for years, growing up in Evanston, Illinois in the same neighborhood. We hung out at school, on the weekends and nearly every other waking minute in between. She was one of my best friends.

  On Lauren’s fifteenth birthday, she decided to have a sleepover. After her parents divorced a few years before, their living arrangements prevented her from having one.

  Lauren wanted the party to be silly and fun. She wanted to pretend she was five years younger again. I thought it was a great idea. It was an afternoon filled with games, party hats and noisemakers, gift opening, pizza, cake and ice cream. We were all exhausted by the end of it all. When the other girls fell asleep, I cuddled up next to Lauren and we kissed. First softly, just exploring each other’s mouths, both of us silently admitting what we wanted. Then, the kisses deepened. It was the first time I noticed how the throbbing between my legs intensified when she touched me, making me wet. I knew this was how it would always be with her. I touched her breasts. They were round and firm against the palm of my hand and the pale skin that covered them was soft like a baby’s cheeks, with nipples the color of apricots.

  I kissed Lauren again and tasted her sweet mouth as she whimpered into mine. I ran my hands through the thick blonde waves of her hair and over the skin on her stomach. Lauren had always been pretty and as she got older, she only became more beautiful. I wanted her badly and from the way her body reacted to mine, she wanted me too. I slipped my hand into Lauren’s panties, then we stopped. She was terrified. The moment that I thought we had was gone forever. I apologized that night and Lauren told me there was nothing to be sorry for.

  For weeks after, a gnawing feeling of embarrassment settled in the pit of my

  stomach every time I saw her. I had taken the step and admitted my feelings. I was exposed. I could never take back those words I said out loud.

  “I want to be with you. I love you.” I told her then.

  Lauren’s brown eyes opened wide in panic as she shook her head from side to side. “Mia, we can’t be together like that. Together, together.” She told me. “But we can still do this.” She said pressing her lips to mine again.

  Her words stung. They hurt. They left a gaping hole where my heart used to be. Like a fool, I took what she offered. The scraps of her life that she saved for me. Since then, for years Lauren and I’s relationship was purely sexual. I was her dirty, dark little secret.

  The desperate body she crawled up next to at night, when she was done hiding herself from the world. Each time, she showed up at my door, I knew better but I always let her in.

  Now, I stood walking the streets of Chicago late at night, wondering what I would do. I cursed myself for being so in love with a woman that obviously couldn’t love me back.

  I needed a fucking drink.

  Thank God, I didn’t have to work until after twelve tomorrow. I spent all day reviewing depositions. I would rather have eaten glass then have to look at another. I’d just made partner and Schwartz, Schulman and Berg six months ago. They were one of the biggest law firms in the country and had a stellar reputation for being one of the heavy-hitters, winning nearly every case they took on.

  Making partner only after five years was an exceptional accomplishment for a woman my age. I was a good lawyer and I was still young, only thirty-five. I worked in a firm full of men, most of whom felt that a woman’s place was at home, with no less than two babies strapped to her side and covered in spittle and milk.

  After graduating at the top of my class from Northwestern School of Law ten years ago, I was now educated. I was successful. I was wealthy from my own hard work. My family loved me. I was surrounded by friends I didn’t think I could ever live without.

  I had everything besides the love that I wanted from the one person I cared about the most. Where had I gone wrong?

  I peered at the bottom of my red-soled Christian Louboutin shoe, using my umbrella to pry off the bubble gum I just stepped in.

  It was winter in Chicago and cold just like I liked it. When I stood straight and exhaled, the air misted in front of my face.

  I looked around, wondering what I would do with the rest of the evening. Just down the block, there was a bar. The open sign on the outside, flashed in neon pink, like a beacon lighting the way.

  I would stop and have a drink, then jump in a taxi and head home after making my best effort to forget the events of today.

  Hopefully by then, she would finally be gone from my life forever.

  Mia

  Ten Hours Earlier

  For the past six months, after she lost her job, Lauren had been living with me in the penthouse apartment I purchased three years ago, on State Street.

  It was a dream of mine to own a place of my own and when my realtor found this apartment that overlooked the city, I couldn’t let the opportunity to purchase it pass me by. It was a sprawling apartment with two bedrooms, two bathrooms, modern and convenient. It had panoramic views of the city and the river and was only a four-minute walk to the Magnificent Mile.

  There was top notch security and a concierge on the ground floor.

  I headed through the lobby, when I arrived. I gave Marcelle, who sat at the concierge desk a smile, when I pressed my security key to the elevator pad. He gave me a wave, while a strange look appeared on his face.

  It was mid-day. Usually, I wasn’t able to get out of the office during the day to spend any time with Lauren but today, I rushed home to see her. I picked up Chinese food on the way, which was Lauren’s favorite. She was in love with orange chicken with steamed white rice, which I made sure was included in the order.

  Pushing my key into the door, it opened revealing the bright space of the den and kitchen. Sunlight poured
through the floor-to-ceiling windows betraying the freezing cold, windy weather that was outside.

  Butterscotch, Lauren’s Yorkshire terrier trotted towards me, jumping excitedly and licking my hands as I tried to pet her. She was adorable. I shushed Butterscotch away and headed to the phone to check my messages, hitting the flashing red button.

  There were surprisingly only four, three of which were from my mother.

  The other was an urgent call from Dr. Stuart asking for me to give him a call back. He usually only called with disappointing news.

  The toasted aroma of coffee wafted through the air, mixed with the fresh scent of linen candles that were placed around the apartment. A bouquet of peach roses sat on the granite countertop of the center island. I sniffed them and touched the smooth petals with my fingertips.

  I threw my bag down and looked around, calling out Lauren’s name quietly. There was no answer. Lauren at this time was usually in the gym on the fifth floor of the building.

  I checked my watch. It was only a few minutes after twelve. I knew she’d be back soon if she was gone. I kicked off my four-inch pumps and made my way down the hallway, feeling the cool hardwood beneath my tired feet. I admired all the framed pictures that lined the walls. It was a collection of photos that spanned the timeline from when I was a little girl to adulthood. There were pictures in the collage of my parents, my best friend Connor and a few of Lauren and I together.

  I stopped to gaze at the one we took when I surprised her with a trip to Spain eight months ago. Lauren is wearing the cream cashmere scarf I bought her, around her neck and her face is pressed to mine. Her long blonde hair frames her perfect face and smile. She’s exquisite. I stared at the picture for a little while longer, until a loud bang caused me to jump.

  I looked around curiously and proceeded to the end of the hallway, walking stealthily as if I had broken into my own house.

  My heart rate spiked and my stomach felt like it was bottoming out, when I heard a deep voice. I approached our bedroom and waited outside, chewing on my lip.

  “Lauren.” A man’s voice groaned out, from behind the door.

  Then there was another loud bang. I could hear Lauren sigh and let out a strangled cry. They were familiar sounds to me. They were the same sounds she made while I buried my face between her legs, bringing her to orgasm with my tongue.

  There was another bang as the deep voice grunted again. Rhythmic bangs followed that were so loud, I thought there was construction going on. Then, I realized it was the bed slamming against the wall. Lauren was now whimpering loud, sounding completely lost. The realization that she was fucking someone behind this door, made me feel ill. Instantly, tears began to pour from my eyes.

  Another bang, more loud noises. Lauren was now coming and so was the man, she was with. Lauren was fucking a man. It was only a double dagger to our already complicated relationship.

  Another thing that I couldn’t give her…that I couldn’t and would never be.

  I touched the door handle, pressing it towards the floor, unsure if I really wanted to see what I clearly already knew.

  The deep voice, mumbled something, talking to Lauren, whose cries had subsided now to low mewls.

  My hand trembled as it held on to the handle nervously. I pushed it all the way down and the door opened, almost in slow motion.

  Two naked bodies sheened in sweat were tangled in the center of my queen-sized bed, wrapped in the white linens that I special ordered from Restoration Hardware just a few weeks before.

  The dark-haired man hovered over Lauren, between her long legs that were parted. His very large cock was still hard and his muscular chest heaved for breath.

  I had to give it to her. Whoever this man was, he had the body of a God. He was all gorgeous tanned skin and ripped muscles. The man ran his fingers up Lauren’s right thigh as he kissed her sweetly on the lips. She giggled, and pulled him back down towards her while her hands greedily held onto his body.

  I spotted a tattoo of a spider on the man’s shoulder. A gold band rested on the ring finger of his left hand. Not only was Lauren cheating on me but she was sleeping with a man that had a wife.

  I stood there in shock at what I was witnessing, in my house...in my bed.

  The way Lauren interacted with the man, kissing and giggling like the lovers they were made my chest hurt. It was worse than indigestion. It felt more like someone taking a crowbar to my rib cage and prying each one them open one by one, as I screamed in agony.

  Everything I ever wanted from Lauren, she was giving to this man freely. If I wasn’t a fool then, I definitely was now. I wiped my tears and sniffled, which brought the pair’s attention to me.

  “Shit.” The man muttered, quickly pulling a sheet around his waist and turning towards me.

  Lauren’s brown eyes went wide. She shot up from the bed panicked, throwing a robe on quickly.

  I scurried out of the room to find my coat, shoes and purse, as my heart pounded against the wall of my chest. I wiped my tears as I slipped my shoes back on, tossing my bag over my shoulder.

  Lauren walked slowly, towards me with her face twisted in a painful expression.

  “Mia, let me explain.” She said hugging herself.

  “Get your shit.” I rasped out as my voice cracked. “And get the fuck out of my house.”

  Lauren leaned forward and attempted to touch my shoulder. I shrugged away. I looked at her again as I threw my coat on.

  Tears flowed freely from her eyes. Were they even real?

  “Mia, please listen.” Lauren said.

  The man that she was fucking now stood a few feet behind her, shirtless in my hallway, only wearing a pair of dress pants which were still undone at the waist. He was watching Lauren and I cautiously. Clearly, afraid for her.

  Lauren still wore the two-carat platinum solitaire, diamond ring I placed on her finger a month before.

  “Get out of my house. Get out of my life.” I said, trying to stop myself from crying.

  I fiddled with the door handle, which didn’t seem to want to open, pushing my frustration to an insane level. I undid the latches frantically, accepting the overwhelming feeling that I needed to get out of here as soon as possible.

  I was running out of my own apartment. This was my house!

  “Mia, please!” Lauren pleaded.

  I gave her one last look through my teary vision. Lauren was still breathtaking. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and I knew she always would be. It only made me feel even more fucking pathetic.

  “I hate you.” I whispered, glaring at her. The words felt disgusting as they left my mouth.

  Lauren stood in front of me, lost for words as tears fell from her eyes, down the soft skin on her pink cheeks.

  I shut the door behind me, leaning against it before I decided the elevator was my next destination. I wiped my face with shaky palms, trying to keep it together. I didn’t hate Lauren. I hated myself. I hated every wish and every dream I wanted for us. I hated that I hung onto to something that didn’t exist – this joke of a relationship that only appeared to mean something to me.

  I tied my black wool coat at the waist and made the short trip down to the ground floor. Marcelle gave me a sympathetic look as I scurried past him, along the marble floors of the expansive lobby, that was filled with fresh bouquets of flowers. The shiny silver doors ahead led out to the street. As soon as I stepped outside, the cold Chicago air burned my lungs and chilled my skin. I exhaled as I stood in the middle of the sidewalk, staring up at the grey sky above, ignoring the pedestrians that had to dart out of my way.

  I needed to accept that Lauren and I could never be.

  I loved her and she hurt me for what I vowed would be the last time.

  Scarlett

  “Scar.” Christian moaned as he rested on top of me, burying his face in my neck.

  Instead of coming inside of me, which I so desperately wanted. He always came against my thigh or on my stomach. Anywhere besides
where it would make a baby.

  This was our routine. I would stay home during the day. I puttered around doing different things, ironing, light cleaning, maybe watch a little television. Then around three I would make dinner. I also made sure to cook something that was his favorite. It had to be healthy and always had to have a salad or something green accompany it.

  Christian was a health nut. He hardly ever drank and he never ate junk food or drank soda so our cabinets were bare of all the unhealthy stuff. The man I married would spend thirteen hours in the office and then two hours in the gym. He would shower, come home and want to fuck. Then he would hop up, shower again and then sit in the den, watching football for the rest of the night, while I read or wrote in my journal.

  I stared up at him, through my hazy vision, absorbing how beautiful he was. He had the most hypnotizing green eyes that were the color of palm leaves and thick black hair that reminded me of the old Finesse commercials. He would’ve been a perfect candidate.

  Christian was a pretty boy and his body truly was a masterpiece. It was a fact that he already knew, putting endless hours in the gym during the week. His company was his first love, his body was the next and then I probably came somewhere after those two things, in his line of major life concerns.

  Christian pressed his soft lips to mine and then rolled off me, stretching. As I laid there covered in his sweat with my legs wide open, he casually sauntered in the bathroom and turned the shower on. No invite, no cuddle after fucking me…nothing.

  I rolled over and sighed. The view from the bed was a direct line to the shower. He washed himself, running the soapy loofah over his trimmed abs and powerful biceps. The previous ache between my legs was satisfied. He always knew how to make me come and hard, usually as I screamed and cried out his name, holding onto him for dear life. I had no complaints there.

  Soon, we’d be celebrating our fifteenth wedding anniversary. We married young, just two years after Christian graduated from college. Only he went to college, graduating with a fancy Master’s Degree in Finance from NYU.