If Only Read online

  The walls in the large room were now pale green. It was a neutral color suitable for either a girl or a boy. I ran my hand over my belly. The baby was moving all the time now, which made it difficult sometimes to fall asleep. I would twist and turn all night, trying my best to get comfortable. I didn’t really have any other complaints, except for being tired.

  Penelope called me a few times after the mishap a few weeks ago. In her message, she left the name of a reputable abortion doctor. Penelope told me that I shouldn’t let a man regulate my cunt and ruin my body with his baby. She said plenty of her friends had gotten pregnant by mistake and that it wasn’t something I had to live with forever. I rolled my eyes and deleted the message, shaking my head. She would never get it. Her reaction to my very unsexy, pregnant body shattered the few drops of self-esteem I had left.

  Connor came by often to check on me.

  He groaned each time he looked at Butterscotch, always offering to take her to the pound. I refused when he asked, every single time. She was mine now and I took care of what belonged to me, regardless if her mother was a two-timing hooker.

  I cooked today, which turned into a disaster. The dish was supposed to be grilled chicken but it looked more like a massacre, when I was done. Everything was greasy and burnt to a crisp. It was the very reason that I ate out as much as I did or ordered in. I never could cook.

  Lonnie scolded me and told me that if I was going to be having a baby, I needed to learn how to cook. I told her this wasn’t the 50’s, which was probably disrespectful but it’s how I felt. I was terrified when I thought about how I would feed this child.

  I never had to cook really and then even after college, I didn’t have time to learn. While there I spent most of days eating Ramen noodles and dry cereal for days as sustenance.

  Then when I began working at the firm, I really just didn’t have the time.

  I sighed when I thought about what I would eat for dinner tonight. I had a fridge and two rows of cabinets full of gourmet ingredients and no clue as to what to do with them. I considered just making a tuna sandwich, which seemed disgusting when I really thought about it…pass. Snatching a Chinese menu off the side of the Subzero, I looked it over, paying particular attention to the crab wonton listed. I grabbed the phone, plopped down in one of the stools and dialed.

  Mia

  “How do you feel?” Scarlett asked rubbing the hot stones over my feet.

  I swore I lived for these massages.

  “Good, better I think, not really much morning sickness. Now I’m just tired.”

  Scarlett gave me a sympathetic look.

  Her blue eyes looked tired this morning but she still forced a smile that for some reason, I knew wasn’t sincere.

  I giggled, when I felt the baby kick.

  Scarlett looked me over, her eyes wide.

  I shook my head. “The baby is moving.”

  “Oh.” She said freezing, still holding the hot rock in her hand and looking at me curiously.

  “Do you want to feel it?” I asked.

  Scarlett nodded almost imperceptibly and came closer to me.

  I lifted my sweater to reveal my stomach.

  Scarlett placed her hand on my skin and put mine over hers and we waited.

  A few seconds later, there was a bump and Scarlett giggled.

  Her hands were warm against my skin and when she leaned closer, I could smell her shampoo. It was a scent that would drive me crazy until I could figure out exactly what it was.

  Then I eyed over her face. I didn’t think a woman could have more symmetrical features. They were almost perfect. Scarlett had a sharp nose and full lips, that I knew I could see myself kissing someday that sat above a small chin.

  I couldn’t believe that this Christian man had ruined his chances with her. Scarlett was a gem and from what I knew that applied both inside and out. She had a good heart and deserved so much more. How could he be so dumb? I wondered.

  Scarlett then placed both of her hands on my belly, running her hands over the taut skin. It looked as though she was admiring me but I wasn’t sure.

  My eyes lingered on the creamy skin that covered her neck and then trailed down to Scarlett’s chest.

  I spotted the pretty paisley blue bra she was wearing underneath the loose V-neck sweater she had on, each time she dipped in front of me. I quickly averted my eyes and pushed my sweater back down.

  Scarlett jerked away nervously with an apprehensive look on her face, while her blue eyes searched mine.

  “I’m sorry. Are my hands cold?”

  “No, no.” I said, shifting my position.

  Scarlett smiled at me and sat back on her heels.

  “What is it?” She asked, cocking her head to the side.

  “I feel fat, I guess. Like a beached fucking whale.”

  Scarlett laughed. It was loud and contagious, making me grimace. I didn’t share the humor and I really did feel fat. I knew I only had another week before I had to buy maternity wear and a lot of it.

  “You look beautiful.” Scarlett said firmly. “You shouldn’t feel that way. You’ve been given a gift.”

  I nodded and looked away from her.

  Scarlett retrieved another hot rock from the bucket and resumed the massage again, casually running the stone over the arch of my foot. She looked up at me occasionally, then I shut my eyes, appreciating the soothing sensation to the balls of my feet. Scarlett didn’t speak anymore. Usually she would pelt me with questions about my day or this and that but now she was quiet. I worried that my bad mood and my sexual attraction for her was obvious. I pushed the thoughts out of my head and inhaled the mild herbal scent that was wafting through the place. Scarlett placed the rock down and then began to massage my feet with only her hands, which only felt better.

  Her touch felt amazing. It was gentle and soothing, like she put her heart into it but I guess that’s what touch was supposed to be. The classical music in the background was helping to soothe my mind. She breathed lightly as she moved around, removing the large pillow and letting me rest in her lap. Then she placed her hands on my shoulders. The clank of the spoon against the side of the tea cup startled me, when she moved it out of the way.

  Her magical fingers pressed firmly into my shoulders, squeezing them. Then she ran her hands up the back of my neck, pressing softly at the top of my spine. The noise caused a groan to escape my lips that I hadn’t meant to let out. Then she undid the clip in my hair, letting it fall free and running her hands through it and along my tense scalp, cradling my head in her hands. I grimaced when I thought I was only paying thirty dollars an hour for this. This woman really needed to charge more. She pressed her fingers in certain spots on my forehead, letting them linger for a moment, then ran her soft hands down my neck again and across the top of my chest. Instantly, my legs parted and I snapped them shut, hoping she hadn’t noticed the instant response the contact had caused.

  My nipples pebbled and I knew I was wet. I missed this…being touched. I was so desperate for it, I could probably come without Scarlett touching me at all.

  When I opened my eyes, I was looking directly ahead into the mirror in front of us. Scarlett was smiling at me. When I peered down, I shut my legs quickly, not realizing they were open again, wide.

  This was embarrassing!

  I scrambled up to my knees, holding my belly with one hand and bracing myself against the soft mat with the other as I got to my feet.

  Scarlett looked at me wide-eyed and stood. “It’s okay.” She whispered.

  I didn’t respond, just avoided her eyes, feeling panicked.

  What was okay? The fact that I almost just came in public?

  I fingered through my hair, putting it back up in the clip and stood.

  Scarlett

  Mia’s face was flushed. Her lips had darkened and her cheeks were pink.

  I kept my eyes on her, realizing how much I made her squirm. It had been a long time since I’d been with a woman. I enjoyed the other n
ight with Justin and Evelyn. I didn’t cheat on Christian or anyone for that matter. Who I was with was who I was with and they had all of me - every last piece.

  I was enjoying the massage and watching Mia’s skin break out in goosebumps as my hands ran over her soft skin. Her nipples were pressing hard against her bra. They poked through the thin gauzy material she had on. The room was above warm, so I knew she wasn’t cold. Then I realized, it was her physical reaction to me, my touch. I listened to her breathing as it became heavy and her legs dropped open again at the knees. I wanted to slip my hand in her pants and make her come but I didn’t know how she would feel about that. A small groan escaped from her lips and her eyes shot open, connecting with mine and the mirror across the room. When Mia realized her legs were apart again, she shot up from the floor. I didn’t think a pregnant woman could move so fast. She was mortified.

  I didn’t have a problem with what had just happened. The massage was meant to relax her. I don’t think Mia realized that I knew what she was feeling but I was more attuned to her then she knew. I was in fact, a woman myself. I knew Mia was alone now. I had been for a while. I could relate to the lonely feeling and the agony of no longer having the physical touch that you needed. It was why I was fucking Justin pretty much, because I needed someone to touch me, even if it wasn’t love.

  I noticed the way her brown eyes lingered on me. She was staring at my breasts earlier. I didn’t shift. I allowed her to look down my shirt.

  It felt good to be wanted, lusted after, especially by a woman. I knew if she wasn’t pregnant Mia’s demeanor would be different. Being pregnant made her feel unattractive, fat as she said and probably far from sexual but I thought she looked amazing. Her breasts were plump. I imagined touching them, squeezing them and bringing her nipples to hard peaks. I thought about sucking each nipple into my mouth and rubbing her clit until she came or better yet burying my face in between her legs. Mia stifled a groan a few minutes ago. I wanted to hear those sounds spill from her mouth that would only encourage me on. It was enough to drive me crazy.

  Just looking at the woman in front of me, it was obvious that she needed the release…desperately.

  She put her hair back up in the clip and walked towards my desk in the corner, seeming flustered. I tried not to giggle but it was becoming really difficult not to find some amusement in her discomfort. She really didn’t have act so weird about it.

  “You will come to my place next weekend, right?” She asked, trying not to look at me.

  “Yes, I will be there.” I said, running a hand through my hair.

  “Okay, good.” She said putting on her shoes and grabbing her coat.

  I admired the shape of her stomach again. I wanted to see it, the whole thing, an unobstructed view, which meant she would have to be naked. This was so unprofessional. She was a client, I reminded myself.

  “Oh, this is yours.” I said, shoving an envelope towards her.

  Mia looked me blankly.

  “It’s the money I owe you.” I said shoving the envelope towards her again.

  Mia gave me a strange look, bulging her brown eyes out at me.

  “Please, take it.” I said again.

  Reluctantly, Mia took the envelope from me and slipped it into her pocket. I walked her to the door and we exchanged good nights.

  I liked her. I think in some weird way, I even cared about her. She gave me a wave as she pulled out of the parking lot and I waved back, pulling my sweater tighter against the cold. I breathed in the air again, looking at the night sky. I knew I had Justin to snuggle up to tonight. He always came over smelling fresh like Irish Spring soap and carrying a pizza. College kids loved pizza. I wondered what Mia went home to.

  Mia

  “You look good this morning, Mia. Do you feel okay? Good?” Diana asked as she placed a cup of tea on the edge of my desk.

  “Yes, I feel good.” I said looking at her and up from the thick file I was reading.

  “That’s good.”

  Diana was one of the first people in the office that knew about my pregnancy. She was an absolute Godsend when it came to rescheduling my meetings and arranging clients.

  I eyed over the stacks of papers that covered the surface of my desk. It was endless. I was working on a divorce case. As old as the man and the woman were, there was no shortage of drama in the reasons their lives fell apart.

  Their allegations actually made me afraid of one day getting married myself. It was everything from infidelity, physical abuse, drug abuse and allegations about the other being mentally ill. Some of it bordered on hilarity. At the end of the day, it was all about money, which no matter what they would both have to split. Eventually, they would realize that all the time and energy they wasted tearing each other down was only benefitting us, the lawyers. Their hourly bills were astronomical. It would serve them best to just part amicably and share what they had.

  I massaged my temples with my fingers.

  Adam Reitz, a senior litigator walked by my office. He stopped and peered in the doorway, holding a cup of coffee. Adam had been gunning for my job for years but he wasn’t good enough. It was a f act that his ego wouldn’t let him accept.

  “Fisher.” He said, addressing me by my surname.

  I stared at him blankly, wondering what on earth he wanted to talk to me about.

  He sauntered into my office, looking around, bobbing his head. “You have such

  a nice view from this office.”

  “Yeah, it is.”

  “Of the whole city.”

  “Yeah.” I said, giving him a few minutes to enjoy it before I kicked him out.

  “How the baby thing coming along?”

  I snickered to myself. “Is it growing? Is that what you’re asking me? Yes, it grows Reitz, every single day. You should know that, considering you have three of your own.”

  Adam laughed and then took a long sip of his coffee. “Shouldn’t you be working from home then? Resting up for the baby’s sake.”

  I stood from my desk and stalked towards him, keeping my chin high.

  Adam’s face visibly turned apprehensive.

  “My pregnancy is none of your business, Adam. It’s actually no one’s business in this entire firm. It doesn’t affect my ability to do my job in any way shape or form. I could have five babies and I would still be the exceptional lawyer that I am and better than you. It is why I have this office and you don’t. Now, please get out.”

  “Whoa.” Adam raised his palms in surrender. “Fisher, I was just kidding.”

  Sure, you were.

  “I have work to do.” I said walking back to my desk without looking at him again.

  Adam huffed and let himself out.

  Scarlett

  “Christian’s not doing so well, Scarlett.” Gabriella said through the phone. “He calls me nearly every day asking me if I’ve heard from you and lie every time. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to lie to him.” She huffed.

  There was a long pause between us.

  “Christian misses you. I’ve never seen him like this. I don’t think anyone has. He’s a mess. He still goes to work but he’s just different, I don’t know. Sad, I guess.”

  I covered a grunt with a cough.

  It was funny how everyone in our social circle seemed to sympathize with Christian, more than they did with me. To them, he was the powerhouse, Mr. Perfect and I was just the pretty housewife, with no ambition. I wondered if any of them truly knew how I felt or cared. To them, the most important part was that Christian and I remain together, no matter what the cost. The idea that the perfect couple had broken up would be shattered and that Christian’s image would be tarnished, seemed to be their only concern. I didn’t care about any of that anymore.

  Christian was a good-looking guy. He could get any replacement woman he wanted and clearly, I was already expendable.

  I debated calling my mother twice this morning but couldn’t do it. It was all still too raw, too fresh
. I needed more time to make up a lie and then I would speak to her and explain. Beatrice would blame me for everything – it was her way. She would ask me what I did wrong to lose a man like Christian or I knew with her old-fashioned ways, she would just tell me he’s being a man and to let it go. Don’t let this homewrecker ruin your life. I could hear her words now, as if they were being spoken to me this very moment. My mother would encourage me to forgive Christian, just like everyone else was.

  It was what she did with my own father, when she discovered he had two children that she didn’t know about. It was a complete mess. Then it took Beatrice five more years to finally divorce my father. I wouldn’t be like my mother.

  Checking my phone, I sat there daydreaming, taking in the time on the clock face as it changed. I stood to leave and made it out the door. I told Christian we’d meet in an hour at a coffee shop a few minutes away. Now, I stood a few feet away from him, frozen in a puffy jacket as he strode up the stairs towards me, perplexed about how he managed to find out exactly where I lived.

  Gabriella.

  He was dressed in a gray a suit, with a white shirt underneath and shiny black dress shoes. His dark hair was brushed back, revealing his masculine features and green eyes. He looked sad and tired but he was still as handsome as ever.

  The key was still partially half in the lock.

  “Scar.” He whispered, right before he dipped down, placing a kiss on my cheek.

  A shiver ran through me as his soft lips touched my cool skin. He placed his large hand over mine, turning the lock the opposite way and pushing the door in, lightly shoving me back inside. That was Christian. The subtle bully.

  Once inside, he leaned his big body against the door. I listened to it click and met his green eyes that bore straight into mine. I backed away from him, hugging myself. He pulled a single white rose, which were my favorite flowers out of his jacket pocket and stepped towards me. I took it out of his hand, admiring the soft petals.