If Only Page 14

  “Where’s your ring?” He asked in a soft voice.

  In the garbage, where it belongs. I didn’t want to answer that.

  I opened my mouth to speak. I was the most nervous I’d ever been around this man. This wasn’t what I imagined seeing him again to be like. He wasn’t supposed to be here, in front of me. Christian was supposed to be sitting across a table from me in a public place! That was the plan. I wanted it that way for a reason. Clearly, it didn’t matter what my plan was, Christian’s plan always superseded. What was new about that?

  I looked up at his wet eyes and took the rose of out of his hand. Christian grabbed the collar of my jacket and pushed it back, taking the jacket off me and tossing it on a chair in the corner of the room. He removed an envelope from his suit jacket and tossed it on the bed, then let the jacket fall in the same spot as mine. He sat on the edge of it, looked around and took a deep breath.

  I stood still a few feet away from him and fiddled with my fingers.

  Christian patted the spot next to him at the edge of the lumpy mattress, silently asking for me to sit. A lock of his dark hair fell over his forehead when his head hung that I wanted to slap him for. He was stupidly perfect and that was high-risk, unsafe, treacherous. Christian tapped the spot again. I shook my head from side to side slowly, then looked at the floor again. I. Would. Stand.

  He sighed and then intertwined his fingers together, resting his elbows on his knees and his hands underneath his chin, looking me over.

  “I don’t like this, Scar. This place.” He said as his narrowed eyes, scanning the studio apartment I was now living in.

  “Well, there’s a lot of things I don’t like Christian. I guess we all don’t get what we want. We all don’t get to have our way…except for you, of course.” I mumbled.

  Christian chuckled but I knew my jab bothered him. He stood and walked towards me. I placed a hand out in front of him but he didn’t stop, until it was touching the carved muscles that I knew rested underneath the crisp white shirt he was wearing. I could smell the expensive cologne on his skin and feel the warmth that came from his body. He peered down at me and I was reminded of how tall he was. I looked away, still keeping my hand out, hoping it would shield me from everything that was this man. He continued forward, while I retreated backwards a few steps. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. It was always this way, with him. When I stopped, my back was against the wall and Christian was crowding me like he always does when he wants to control the situation. I felt my lip tremble and my hands were shaking. I spent months ensuring this wouldn’t happen. How was it still fucking happening?

  “Scarlett, I love you.” He whispered, clutching my wrist and holding it tight.

  My gaze lingered on the platinum band on his finger. I placed it there during our wedding ceremony on Kuta Beach in Bali all those years ago, when I gave him my heart and promised to be his best friend for life. I wondered if he wore it each time he fucked Jacqueline and a little bit of bile rose in the back of my throat.

  I focused on the present again, noticing how my breathing had grown shallow at his nearness. Christian slid my hand from his hard abs up to the center of his chest, letting my hand rest over his heart. I cried, while avoiding his burning gaze. This entire situation reminded me that I was weak. I was pliable….as soft as putty. A doormat…

  “This has been going on for long enough, Scar. I want you home. I love you.” He whispered, leaning even closer to my face.

  “I can’t, Christian.”

  “You can.” He urged. “If you come home we can talk. We can work all of this stuff out.”

  I dropped my head and stared at my shaky fingers. Christian curled his larger ones around mine and dropped to his knees, looking up at me. I was frustrated, unsettled, confused. I didn’t know the answer to anything about my future, except that I couldn’t be with him anymore. I shook my head vigorously. Christian let out an annoyed breath and stood again.

  “Who was it, Scar? Whoever you fucked? A he or a she?”

  “What difference does it make?”

  Christian swore and picked the envelope up from the edge of the bed. “I guess it doesn’t.” He mumbled. “But I want to know.”

  “A man, Christian.”

  He fisted his hair with one hand. “Did he make you come?”

  “Yes.” I said softly. “I would ask you the same about Jacqueline but I guess it’s all pretty fucking obvious, isn’t it?” I snapped, surprised at how the anger buried deep within me surfaced all on its own.

  It was almost as if it was on low flame, just waiting for the perfect bit of oxygen to enrage the fire again and start a fucking inferno.

  “And then a woman.” I added.

  Christian arched a brow at me, looking me over. I knew I only wanted to get a rise out of him. It was definitely working but he was trying his best to remain calm.

  The anger was there. It would always be there. It reminded me that this is what it would be like if we were to stay together. I would love Christian. I loved Christian but somewhere I would hate him too and there was no way of knowing when the anger would resurface. I couldn’t do this to myself or to him. This wasn’t living. Christian had to know that we would never be us again. We would always be two people trying to be what we once were. It wasn’t real anymore. This was fantasy.

  He sat on the edge of the bed and cried. He knew I wasn’t coming back to him. In almost twelve years, I’d never seen or heard Christian cry so much, until now. The arrogant, in control man I knew, seemed to be no longer. It was silent while we both let our tears fall on complete opposite sides of the room. That was the way it was now. We were separated, divided...worlds apart.

  He stood and placed the thick orange envelope on the edge of the counter, giving me a long look. He tapped on it. “I want you to use this Scar to get a better place, not here.” He said as he looked around and nodded, making me understand.

  I sniffled and bobbed my head a few times. I didn’t know how much money was in there. It almost surprised me that whatever it was, he was willing to leave me with it even if I hadn’t agreed to go with him.

  “And if you need more, you can call me but the two credit cards in here are unlimited. You can use them for whatever you want or need.” He sighed. “Just promise me you will keep in touch.” Christian said. “And please don’t blindside me with divorce papers.” He said wiping his eyes again. “Because I won’t sign them Scar, if you do that.”

  Fucking unbelievable.

  Christian stepped in my direction again, looking down at me. I rested my face against his hard chest, wrapping my hands around his waist and sobbed. He lowered his chin to rest on the top of my head.

  “I miss you so much.” He said softly, running his hands through my hair.

  “The key is always there for you Scar, in the exact same place, if you ever want to come home.” Christian whispered. “Day or night, tomorrow or next week. Next month or next year. The key will always be there…for you.”

  I dropped my head and nodded.

  He went quiet and took a deep breath. Then he wrapped his arms around me and squeezed, breathing me in and pressing his nose into my hair. I let him have this moment.

  When he left, I picked up my phone and dialed Gabriella. The call went straight to voicemail.

  “Hi Gabriella, I don’t know if you’re trying to help but telling Christian where I was when I asked you not to, just wasn’t cool.

  “I know you don’t think I can do this on my own and maybe I can’t!” I said feeling frustrated. “But you’re supposed to be my friend and after tonight, I think I realize that you aren’t, maybe you never were.

  “You’re Christian’s friend, which is funny because he cheated on me, not the other way around. Somehow, I’ve become the villain because I won’t go home and our precious circle of friends seems to still stand behind Christian one hundred fucking percent.

  “I hope this never happens to you Gabriella, if it hasn’t already.
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br />   “Don’t contact me anymore.”

  I hung up.

  Mia

  The last time I remembered feeling this lonely was in my freshman year of college. Lauren and I’d just broken up for probably the thirtieth time.

  I took a deep breath as I left Dr. Stuart’s office, inhaling the cold Chicago wind. I was given an ultra sound this morning. When I saw the little hands and feet moving around on the screen, I cried. Then I cried more, when I realized I had no one to share the moment with.

  I made my way down Clark Street, snuggling deeper into my jacket. I loved this city and everything about it. The people, the energy. The bold architecture that surrounded me, looking at all the new buildings.

  I peeked in the window of a Dean & Deluca and there she was. All blonde waves and smiles, with her arm linked in a man’s. I could make out Lauren’s silhouette anywhere. I ducked and then peeked back in the window. It was the same man she was in my house with, all those months ago. His wedding ring seemed to be removed now. They giggled, then shoved a jar of something into a basket.

  I thought I would’ve been angry but instead I felt nothing. No anger, no resentment, no bitterness…nada. I smiled to myself. Maybe I really was over her finally? When I hit the corner, a woman’s voice called out to me. Mentally, I rolled my eyes and spun around. I guess she spotted me. I adjusted my knit hat.

  “Mia.” She said out of breath, from the run down the street.

  I stared blankly in her direction, not even for a second wanting to waste my time to speak to her. She was still beautiful. I cocked my head to the side as I waited for her to speak. The man she was with stepped out of the doorway a few feet behind us, holding the large shopping bag.

  “How are you?” She asked, looking me over.

  “I’m good.” I said firmly.

  “You’re pregnant?” She asked looking me over quizzically.

  “Yes, I’m pregnant.”

  Lauren stood in front of me in shock. I was walking, breathing proof of everything we’d planned together that she clearly didn’t want. I stared at her for another minute as her eyes roved over me.

  The guilt in her face was unmistakable. “You’re pregnant.” She said again, as if she didn’t hear me say the words the first time.

  I held a hand up to her. “I’m fine.” I said, before she could pry or apologize, or lie. “And I really have to go.” I said turning on my heel.

  I didn’t need her pity. I would do this on my own, even though I was scared to death. Lauren had always been selfish and I’d tolerated it for far too many years. I thought it funny how she didn’t even seem concerned about her dog.

  As I made it to end of the street, I stood on the edge, staring at my boots. I hit the button and waited for the little green man to flash before walking across.

  I reflected on my relationship with Lauren. Always, me giving and her receiving. She didn’t even know who she was deep down. She was afraid of herself. It had been that way ever since we were teenagers. Lauren was different from me. I wouldn’t resign myself to being someone’s secret anymore. I wanted to have a life with a woman that cared enough about me to acknowledge my existence publicly. To introduce me to her friends as her girlfriend or wife. I wanted someone who didn’t only come to me when they needed money or a place to live. I wanted to be loved. I deserved that much. Then I laughed. It was a loud laugh that caused the old man that was walking next to me to jump.

  God, I was sick of Lauren. I was glad she was fucking gone.

  Scarlett

  The key was out, where it usually was. I pushed the door open, letting myself in, taking my flats off and leaving them in the foyer. The house smelled fresh like it was just professionally cleaned. Bugsy appeared at my feet, rubbing his soft fur against my ankles. I picked him up and kissed him. I looked around and then took the stairs to the second floor to the bedroom. Everything in me was telling me I shouldn’t be here but still I headed further into the house, taking in how eerily quiet it was. The place seemed empty - devoid of any life. It didn’t feel warm the way I remembered. It was like no one lived here.

  I pushed the door open to the bedroom that was partially lit by the full moon outside. I took a deep breath, inhaling Christian. The natural scent of him, mixed in with his cologne was everywhere. It all only made me feel more sad. I knew I should leave but I still, I walked further into the room. Placing my hand on the edge of the bed, I could make out Christian’s silhouette beneath the sheets. His breathing was light and his face was pressed into my pillow. A picture of us, rested on the nightstand. It was from when Christian and I celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary in Cabo. I leaned down to look at the black and white photograph. I sat on the edge of the bed, stripping out of my clothes and letting down my hair. I pulled the comforter back and slipped under the covers, moving closer to Christian. He jerked awkwardly and his eyes shot open, when he looked me over underneath the moonlight.

  “Scar.” He whispered.

  I placed a finger on Christian’s lips. He grabbed my hand pulling me closer to his chest. It all hit me at once, his smell, his presence, the feeling of his warm skin against mine. It was exactly the way I remembered it. The reason I fell in love with him all those years ago.

  “I missed you.” Christian said.

  I tried my best not to cry at how broken he seemed. I didn’t speak. I had no fucking clue what I was doing here. I accepted that I was doing this to spite Jacqueline, even though I knew I was only hurting myself in the process. Jacqueline couldn’t have him. Christian was mine. At least right now he was. I crawled into his lap and kissed him, tasting him after all these months of being without him. The man in front of me seemed shocked when I pulled away from him and kissed him again. His eyes were wet but he quickly pushed his pants down, fisting his cock in his hand. I scrambled on top of him and eased down on it as he looked at me, letting out small breaths. I moved slow on top of him, enjoying the feeling of being filled.

  “Scar.” Christian sobbed into my chest, groaning at the same time.

  Then he guided me onto my back and pounded into me hard, pinning me down with his heavy weight, stealing my breath away with each desperate stroke. Christian let out a loud growl and came in less than thirty seconds. I stared up into his eyes, confused. Christian didn’t fuck me like this.

  “Christian.” I said. “What are you doing? Why would you do that?” I asked looking down between my legs.

  He began to cry and then collapsed, burying his face in my neck. “I love you, Scar. Please stay.” He said pressing his forehead to mine.

  “You know I can’t.” I said softly, running my hands through his hair.

  “I fucked up.”

  I nodded looking up at him as tears streamed from my eyes, pooling into my ears. “You did.” I said softly.

  I didn’t want Christian to explain. I had no desire to talk. None of it would change what happened. I could waste my time screaming and shouting and him, griping about how much he hurt me and how much I hated him. It would change nothing. I just wanted to enjoy him and pretend like things were the way they used to be.

  He opened his mouth to speak. I pressed my finger to his lips, silencing him. He kissed me. I missed him badly but I knew I couldn’t stay. This would be the last time I would be with him this way. Christian dragged his nose along my skin, breathing me in as if he was trying to commit my scent to memory. He kissed me hard again.

  “I love you, Scar. I do. Please believe me, I do.”

  I placed my finger on Christian’s lips again and stared into his eyes under the moonlight.

  “Just make love to me, please. I don’t want to talk.”

  “We have to, Scar.” Christian pleaded.

  “No.” I said quietly kissing him again, running my hands through his thick hair. Christian groaned into my mouth and then pushed into me slowly, eliciting a loud moan from my mouth. I hadn’t felt his touch in so long. I hated myself for missing it and for missing him.

  “Scar.”
Christian groaned, pounding into me.

  I hooked my legs around Christian’s waist as he rocked his hips into me. His cum already slicked the insides of my legs. I came fast, crying out against him. Christian let out a savage groan and came again, filling me.

  I was pulled against his chest. He dragged the comforter up over both of us and I almost cried, remembering how this used to feel. The days we would make love and laze around afterwards talking and watching television. I could pretend it was still this way, at least for the next hour. Christian brushed his fingers through my hair and I allowed my tears to fall silently into the soft linen beneath me.

  “I love you, Scar. Please stay.” He whispered.

  It was three in the morning and I was tired but I couldn’t risk falling asleep. I turned over to look at Christian. He didn’t speak, only watched me. I traced my fingers over his symmetrical features and touched the scratchy stubble that had formed on his cheeks.

  “You need to shave.” I whispered.

  Christian shrugged.

  After a while his breathing slowed and grew heavy against my neck and I knew he was out cold.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Scarlett

  When Christian fell asleep last night, I left, placing a soft kiss on his cheek.

  Since I met Mia, I’d been attending all her doctor’s appointments right along with her. I didn’t mind. It gave me something to do on the days that I didn’t have clients. Her and I were becoming pretty good friends.

  She was now twenty-seven weeks pregnant. This morning, I looked at the ultra sound picture curiously.

  “The baby is growing nicely.” I pointed out, turning the picture every which way.

  Mia smiled, taking a gulp of her water. We walked along the Lakefront Trail, taking in the sunny afternoon. There were people everywhere, walking, basking on the beach and riding bicycles.