If Only Page 4

  I wanted to do a bit of shopping before heading home today. We’d usually stroll through the neighborhood, ducking in an out of various stores. It was nice to just spend the day together. Then we’d go home, laze around and probably make love. Christian would work for an hour or two in his office, while I hit the gym and then prepared dinner. I decided tonight though that I wouldn’t cook. We’d get takeout while we were out. Every weekend, unless Christian was travelling this was how we spent it.

  I always wondered what it would be like if we had kids. Would our weekend activities be any different? Maybe we’d be at some sort of Kindermusik class or piano lessons, instead of sitting in random restaurants sipping wine.

  I always had a sinking feeling of envy when I saw little families together laughing and giggling as they played with their children in the park or were dragged along to cartoon movies. I knew we’d never have any of that. To wish was a waste of time. Once, I cried to him about the fact that we remained childless. He was upset but not guilted enough to change his mind. His way of putting a Band-Aid over it was to promise me something that was always some extravagant vacation or to buy me diamonds. It never really fixed the issue but it made me shut up for a while about it. I think that was enough for him.

  I knew he was seriously considering having a vasectomy. We never discussed having children before we got married and by the time we did, I was shocked at Christian’s position on the matter. By that time, it was too late. I was already locked in. I inwardly giggle at that expression. I wonder if I would’ve married him if I knew he didn’t want children.

  It was the proverbial question of the day.

  Mia

  I stood on the treadmill in the gym of my building, soaking wet with sweat, staring at the timer. It told me that I’d run four miles in exactly sixty minutes.

  Sixty, the number flashed on the high-tech screen in front of me in bright red.

  Sixty.

  The exact number of times Lauren and I’d broken up during our fake relationship. I sighed and wiped the sweat from my forehead with a towel. I stared in the mirror in front of me. My face was flush and sheened with sweat and my long brown hair was tied up in a messy knot on the top of my head. I looked good for a woman who’d just broken a sweat.

  The number flashed again and again, like a warning sign. Sixty.

  We always broke up during the summer or rather Lauren broke up with me. I believe she did that deliberately, so she could have some summer fun with the boys she was never entirely sure she wanted.

  Lauren broke up with me numerous times over the phone, once via text, a few times over email and then there was the birthday breakup. That one was priceless. Lauren broke up with me on my twenty-ninth birthday, at dinner…after I paid for it. She was a self-serving, selfish bitch.

  I stepped off the treadmill and waved at two of my neighbors from across the large gym. I had no clue who they were but I assumed they lived in this building. I plopped down on one of the benches, wondering why it had taken me this long to realize how badly I was allowing myself to be treated.

  Was my judgment that clouded?

  I had common sense I’d like to think. I graduated with a Master’s Degree in Law from one of the top law schools in the United States. I had exceptional GPA scores in high school. I was smart! But when it came to Lauren I was a fucking idiot. Who really was to blame?

  I sighed again, staring down at the floor and before I knew it my vision was blurry. I would not cry. I refused to anymore and I also knew I couldn’t blame. This was simply what it was. ‘It is what it is,’ as Rae would say. I never knew the meaning behind that saying but I think now I did. It meant there was no logical explanation for something and that you had little to no energy to figure out what it all meant. Maybe you didn’t even care anymore period. It simply was what it was. I was heartbroken and I needed to fix myself. It was as simple as that.

  Scarlett

  I had this uneasy feeling the last few days. I didn’t know where it was coming from. The week went by as normal. Christian spent time between home and work. He seemed distracted a lot of the time and he wasn’t sleeping well. I blamed it on the pending acquisition.

  A few nights I awoke, he wasn’t in bed. When I did go to look for him, he was either in the bathroom or in the den watching television. Then in the mornings he seemed tired even though he’d slept most of the night. It was almost as if he was on auto pilot.

  This morning we ate breakfast together. I made a simple dish of eggs over-easy and breakfast potatoes. He picked at his food. Every now and again, a strange look passed over his face. When I met his gaze, he smiled at me but his eyes were sad. I touched his hand and he looked away from me.

  Christian seemed more interested in what I was doing with my days. I told him about the art classes I was considering and some of the books I was reading. He was attentive and sweet. When he finished eating, he slid over to me and kissed me hard, pushing his suit pants down so we could have a quickie before he left. Then he promised he would take a day off with me later in the week, so that we could work in the garden or go and see a movie together. He wasn’t his usual self but I didn’t press. I knew I would only annoy him if I did.

  After showering when Christian left, I spent the morning on the phone with my mother Beatrice. She was as perfect as they came. It was exhausting talking to her but I knew it made her day when I called. I was never close with her. We didn’t agree on everything. She disliked my sexuality but it hadn’t been an issue to her for years since I broke up with Yandi when we were teenagers. Then he and I married, so she never had to deal with it anymore.

  I was who I was. When I was with women I didn’t miss men and when I was with men, I didn’t miss women. Who I chose to be with, I loved. Christian had no issue with it. All he asked was that I didn’t cheat on him, which I didn’t. It was a reasonable request, since we were married. I expected the same of him.

  Beatrice was what I described as one of those women who lost herself in a man. Even if that man was my own father, it was how I felt. Beatrice had absolutely no identity or personality when she was with a man, even if he treated her badly. It was as if his cock, cast some sort of spell on her. Or maybe he performed a lobotomy when he fucked her, sucking out half of her brain with it so she couldn’t think for herself anymore. It was pathetic. I loved my mother but I didn’t respect her and I knew if I wasn’t careful, I would end up just like her.

  The entire conversation, was about Christian, even though I was the one that called. Beatrice loved Christian. I swore sometimes more than she loved me. To her, for me, Christian was everything. Christian made me. Without him, I was nothing.

  After getting off the phone with Beatrice along with a threatening headache, I wondered where I saw myself five years from now. I used to have no clue. All I ever really imagined myself being, was a mother. Was that sad? Pathetic? Simple? It was the truth. I always just wanted a modest life with the man I married, but even simple things clearly were unattainable.

  Scarlett

  Christian left for work early, when I was still in bed. Bugsy was curled up near my feet in a deep slumber. I sat up and stretched and then made my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth and shower. I would eat breakfast and then spend some time in the gym.

  I headed down to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee, which I paired with some fruit and a bowl of Cheerios.

  There was something nagging at me. I kept thinking of that telephone number. The long digits appeared each time I shut my eyes, 1 312 654 9876.

  The cordless phone was on the wall – bad idea. I picked up my cell phone and pressed *69 before dialing the number I remembered.

  After two rings, a soft voice answered. “Hello.”

  I stared at the phone and put it back to my ear, listening to the familiar sound.

  “Jacqueline?”

  “Yes.” The woman said. “Who is this?”

  I hung up. Why would Jacqueline be calling Christian on a weekend? I sh
rugged my

  paranoia off and realized that I was being silly.

  When I looked around, Bugsy was at my feet, purring and hoping to be fed.

  I had to go into the city today to run a few errands. I considered stopping in to

  see Christian. Maybe he would want to have lunch.

  I clicked on the television, listening to the morning news for a while and then clicked the entertainment channel. The entertainment reporters were covering celebrity divorces. I gasped when a picture flashed across the screen of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, splitting up after fourteen years of marriage. I myself couldn’t understand how couples after being together for so long could break up. I was sure they knew everything about each other after all those years.

  “It’s the little things.” One of the entertainment reporters said as she laughed. “I think it’s little things that boil over and then one or both people are just fed up. They’ve had enough and then finito, it’s over!”

  The rest of the panel chimed in, giving their opinions on the matter.

  Pictures were then shown of the couples dressed up for various movie awards shows.

  “They look so perfect.”

  I chuckled staring at the television. Then my phone rang.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey.” I said, listening to my sister Shannon’s voice on the other end of the line.

  “I’m surprised to hear your voice.”

  Shannon groaned. “I’m in the city. You know I hate this fucking place.”

  I laughed.

  “Thought I would give you a call. I thought maybe you could do lunch or something.”

  “Ah, I was actually going to see if Christian was free.”

  “Never mind then.” Shannon said sounding annoyed.

  I sighed. “I just need a little notice sometimes, Shannon.”

  “You see Christian nearly every day Scarlett. Me, not so much. I’m sure you can make some time to have lunch with me. That man isn’t the be all end all of your fucking life, woman.”

  “Call me back in an hour.” I said curtly.

  “Forget it about it.” Shannon mumbled and then hung up.

  Mia

  I sat at my desk, blotting my face from the sweat that slicked my forehead. I was sick, deathly ill in fact.

  Diana, my secretary and personal assistant eyed me with a concerned expression on her face, as I slumped in a chair on the opposite side of my desk. Diana had worked for me for almost a year now. She was older and reminded me a lot of my mother.

  “Do you want me to make you some tea?”

  I shushed her away. “No, I’m fine. I’ve probably just caught a bug or something.”

  Diana peered at me through the thick black frames of her glasses. “You have a meeting with Mr. Schultz in an hour. Let me know if you would like me to reschedule it.”

  “No.” I snapped. “Please do not reschedule anything.”

  Diana nodded, giving me another sympathetic glance. Her hair was always up in a bun and she always wore the ugliest one inch heels. She reminded me of those secretaries you saw in the eighties movies. I sighed and wiped my face again. Diana opened her mouth to speak and then decided against it.

  “What?” I asked.

  Diana put her hand up and then shook her head.

  “What?” I asked again, feeling my annoyance rising, when she wouldn’t speak.

  “It’s probably a good idea to check to see if you’re late.” She whispered. “If you know what I mean.”

  I stared at her for a long moment. Fuck.

  “I know it’s none of my business.” Diana said softly. “But…”

  I nodded. “Thank you.”

  For the past week, I’d been so caught up in the drama of breaking up with Lauren for the millionth time, that I’d completely forgotten about this.

  I picked up my phone and checked it. In the past week, I had approximately twenty messages from Dr. Stuart’s office, not including the ones left on my home phone answering machine. I failed to respond to all of them.

  I sighed. I picked up the phone and dialed Dr. Stuart’s office. Immediately, a woman answered.

  “Good morning, this is Dr. Stuart’s office.”

  “Good morning, this is Mia Fisher. I was just returning the message to give Dr. Stuart a call back.”

  “Ah.” The woman said, sounding like she was flipping through some papers. “Yes, you came in a week ago, for some testing. We do really need to see you, today if you can make it. If not, I can fit you in tomorrow.”

  “Is there some sort of an issue?” I asked, hoping the woman would tell me something over the phone.

  “Nope, no issue.” She said giggling. “But Dr. Stuart would really like to see you.” She said in a friendly but firm voice.

  I sighed and gave her the best time and date I would be available and then hung up the phone.

  I reached again, covering my mouth and dipping my head beneath my desk above the trash can. If I felt like this, I didn’t know how I would manage to get through my meeting with Mr. Schultz.

  Diana returned closing my office door behind her. Then she placed some ginger ale and crackers on the edge of my desk and two little pills.

  “These should help with the nausea and the headache.” She said, placing a soft hand on my shoulder. “You should take them.”

  I looked up into Diana’s eyes and I knew mine were watering. I tossed the pills down my throat, reaching again but managed to swallow them down with the ginger ale.

  Diana smiled at me. “I’ve been there, trust me.” She laughed.

  I ate a cracker and my stomach settled a bit. Diana gave me a thick green file and a stack of notes, that apparently, I’d written weeks ago.

  “Mr. Schultz wants to discuss the Anderson vs Truly case – real estate matter.”

  “Okay, yes.” I said nodding.

  Diana walked across the room and opened the door.

  I gave her a small grateful smile as headed to Mr. Schultz’s office on the penthouse floor of the building.

  Mia

  I was pregnant.

  I shook my head at the hilarity of the situation. My legs hung over the edge of the examination table in Dr. Stuart’s office. The timing couldn’t be any worse. I was alone now and thirty-five. I couldn’t push this back any further. The thought of being pregnant when I was forty was enough to send me spiraling. I waited for almost five years for this day and now I couldn’t be more miserable about the news.

  I wiped the tears that seemed to be streaming from my eyes and looked into Dr. Stuart’s kind grey ones. He was an older man now, probably late fifties but he was a good doctor. Dr. Stuart gave me a tight smile, possibly realizing that I wasn’t happy about what he’d just told me.

  “Are you okay?” He asked.

  I nodded as more tears poured from my eyes. Then, I really began to sob.

  Dr. Stuart placed a firm hand on my shoulder. “If you’re not happy about this Mia, there are things we can do.”

  “No, no.” I said waving a hand in front of me.

  This was supposed to be a happy moment but right now all I was feeling was sad, dejected, fucking frustrated.

  “Okay, well I will let you decide if you want to keep it, Mia.”

  This had been such a tedious process. I was lucky not to have suffered through multiple miscarriages, like some invitro patients did. All that happened were unsuccessful fertilizations. Now, I was pregnant.

  I was alone and pregnant and repeated inwardly to myself.

  Dr. Stuart handed me another tissue, which I gratefully accepted. “We need to run some further tests Mia, just to determine how many weeks and a few other things.”

  I nodded.

  “But we can schedule them for later in the week.”

  “Thank you.”

  The nurse placed a hand on my shoulder, patting me lightly.

  “We will let you have a few minutes.”

  I nodded, wiping my nose.

  The room was e
mpty again, with only me perched on the edge of the examination table. I sighed. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was convinced I could plan my life to the very last second.

  “People plan and God laughs.” My father Kieran would say.

  Things hardly ever went the way we wanted them to.

  Scarlett

  I walked through the lobby and made my way up to the seventeenth floor.

  As soon as I spotted Christian’s secretary Gillian, the old woman shot up from her desk to greet me. “Good afternoon, Mrs. Brandon.” She said.

  I gave her a wave as she followed me, walking quickly. Then she stopped in front of Christian’s door and knocked, before pushing it open. I headed in slowly and took in the sight of Jacqueline leaning over his shoulder, while he sat at his desk reviewing paperwork with her. Did she have to stand so fucking close?

  I eyed the interaction with curiosity and annoyance. As soon as Jacqueline noticed me standing there, she straightened herself and gave me an awkward smile.

  “Hello, Scarlett.” She said, collecting the papers and files from in front of them.

  He smiled at me and rose from his seat. When I stood in front of him, he gave me a kiss and looked me over. “Your cheeks are red.”

  I shrugged. “It’s cold outside.”

  He pulled me in for a hug and then looked me over.

  “Why was your door closed?”

  Christian looked lost. “I don’t know, Gillian must’ve closed it on her way out.”

  “Oh.” I said softly as he kissed me again.

  He looked good and he smelled even better, like some new cologne or body wash. He sat on the edge of his desk, pulling me into his hard-on.

  “What do I owe this visit?” He asked giving me a mischievous smile.

  “Nothing really. I just had a few errands to run, business cards to pick up.”

  He looked away from me.

  “I thought maybe you’d want to do lunch.”