If Only Page 5

  He shook his head. “I have a two o’clock meeting but I have thirty minutes to burn.” He murmured into my neck.

  He always had the ability to do this to me. Christian pushed off my jacket, running his hands over the black cashmere off the shoulder sweater I was wearing. Then he kissed me and undid my hair clip, letting my wavy hair fall free.

  “You’re incredible.”

  It was the one thing I needed to hear from his lips to give him what he wanted. The words worked like a charm every time.

  Christian slipped his hands in the waist band of my jeans, yanking me forward. The seam of my pants rubbed against my clit, causing my pussy to throb at his silent proposal. He casually sauntered over to the door, locking it and then returned.

  “Bend over.” He instructed.

  He undid his belt as he walked towards me and I quickly pushed my pants down to my knees. He ran his hands up my legs as he settled in behind me, squeezing my ass.

  “I love you.” I told him.

  “I love you more, Scarlett.” He whispered into my ear, tugging my panties down.

  Mia

  A week passed. I was trying my best to ignore the fact that I was pregnant. Maybe if I ignored it, somehow it would go away. Then I didn’t know if I wanted it to go away. None of my thoughts or feelings made any sense.

  This morning, couples went by, pushing toddlers in baby carriages. It all seemed so perfect. Only that wouldn’t be me. I would be alone, pushing a baby carriage with a baby in it alone. What the fuck was I doing? I leaned against my car, parked in the garage and took a deep breath. No one at the firm knew I was a lesbian but I think they suspected. Lauren never attended any events with me, so as far as my colleagues knew I was alone. But that wasn’t my primary concern. The most glaring problem of all was how was I going to manage work, while raising a baby alone. I could get a nanny I reasoned. Still, it wouldn’t be easy. I was going to keep this baby. It was mine after all.

  The higher ups in my law firm, rarely promoted women for this exact reason. It was always assumed that they’d get pregnant and would have family responsibilities that would take away their ability to put sufficient time and commitment into work. I dreaded having to tell Mr. Schultz. He would probably view me differently now.

  I sat in the driver’s seat, pressing the button which started the Porsche. It was such a sexy car. A gift to myself after being made partner. I glanced behind me and realized there was no way a car seat was fitting into this thing. This was my way. I was always practical, except when it came to Lauren. I reasoned I already had a two-bedroom apartment. I could convert the other room into a nursery. I had enough money to hire a nanny and could cover childcare cost easily. But what would happen when the nanny left and had to go home to her own life? Babies woke up at all times during the night - sometimes several times. I would get no sleep and then would have to leave for work at six in the morning. It would be impossible to do this alone. Maybe I was ignoring the glaringly obvious fact that I couldn’t do this. I was setting myself up for failure.

  Even if I could make this work, alone I would be robbing this child of a real life. I couldn’t work eighteen hour days and then have the energy to come home and play and stay up all night. I couldn’t quit my job. I’d worked my entire life for this position.

  It was only nine months. I could do nine months, I convinced myself. But it wasn’t actually nine months, I giggled, holding onto the steering wheel as the car remained idle where it was parked. It was the rest of my life! A baby was for life and as of right now I was alone. This wasn’t the family structure that I imagined bringing a baby into. I was supposed to be married with a partner…and a family.

  Having a baby was no easy task and it was something I’d never done before. I’d read all the books, watched all the television shows. I thought about the discomfort that I could possibly be in at any point in time during the pregnancy. The aches and the pains. Who would be there to rub my back or my feet? Who would be there to hold my hair back when I was occupied upchucking the contents of my stomach in the toilet, like I’d been doing for the last week in the mornings. Who would be with me when I went into labor?

  I had friends but they had their own lives. My parents were old now. My dad was still here but my mother lived in a completely different state. I had no siblings.

  I sighed again.

  This was a gift and I was treating it like a curse. It made me feel ungrateful. I was fucking ungrateful. I took a deep breath, putting the car in reverse. When I got home, I decided I would make a list. I would find a way.

  Scarlett

  Christian had been quiet these last few days. Instead of darting off to dinners and drinks right after work with clients, he came straight home to spend time with me. I was surprised to see him on more than one occasion. He would walk in the door and slip out of his suit jacket and would join me in the kitchen, as I put together dinner. He seemed to want peace and quiet, so usually he shut his phone off early.

  He was especially attentive last night, running us both a hot bath and lighting some candles around the bathroom. I rested against his chest, inhaling the fragrant scent of pure grace by Philosophy while he washed us both and talked about his day.

  I told him about my own, which wasn’t as eventful as his.

  When I looked at Christian over my shoulder, he looked sad. I asked him if he was sick and he said he was only tired. He sat on the couch, looking at an old replay of the New York Giants versus the Detroit Tigers. Every few minutes he ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. It was what he did when he was excessively worried about something. In the last thirty minutes, he’d done that around twelve times. Then he did it again and shut off the television, tossing the remote across the coffee table.

  He stood and walked towards me. I gave him my full attention, lifting my gaze from my laptop. When I looked closer, there were tears in his eyes and my panic set in.

  “What’s the ma-.”

  “I’ve been sleeping with Jacqueline.” He blurted out, before I could finish my question.

  The world stopped. I wasn’t sure that I heard correctly. He ran a hand through his hair again and wiped the tears falling from his eyes.

  My hand trembled as I slowly closed my laptop. I felt like I’d just been told that someone died. Something did die.

  I met Bugsy’s eyes that were as big as saucers. He turned away from me and then darted off out of the kitchen. Maybe he knew?

  I opened my mouth to speak and nothing came out.

  Christian couldn’t have been cheating on me. I considered it and then I thought it wasn’t possible. We still had sex. He still wanted me. We’d been fucking all month, all week, including twice in his office over these last few days.

  Where could he have found the time?

  There was no indication that there was another woman, except the suspicion that Christian assured me was paranoia over Jacqueline. Christian didn’t do this me. Christian wouldn’t do this to me!

  He put his hands up and began to sob before he could speak again. I still sat stunned, unable to get anything out of my mouth. Then I realized I was holding my breath. Breathe, Scar. The pounding of my heartbeat was in my ears.

  “I will tell you everything, I swear.”

  I hadn’t realized it but I was already crying as I sat there looking at him dumbfounded. I was bamboozled, hoodwinked. The man that stood in front of me was a fraud, a liar. Christian was a liar!

  “What?” I finally croaked out.

  He stepped closer.

  The last time I saw him cry was almost twelve years ago, when his father died. He was crying like a baby as he searched for his words.

  “It didn’t mean anything, Scarlett.”

  I gripped the edge of the counter and stared at the pattern in the granite as visions of him fucking Jacqueline, appeared in the front of my mind. I pictured them naked, fucking like animals – like we did. He’d given away what belonged to me to someone else. To some homewrecker.
To some whore!

  Christian spoke again. Only the tone of his voice resonated but I didn’t hear any words, no specifics that made sentences. I felt like Charlie Brown when he sat in class listening to his teacher speak.

  “How many times? How long?” I forced the questions out of my closing throat.

  Christian swallowed hard as his chest heaved. “Scar.” He said putting his hands up.

  “How long!” I yelled.

  He shook his head. “A few months, seven months. I don’t know. I stopped, Scar. I swear it.”

  I dropped my head. “Seven months.” I repeated, staring at my fingers.

  He was fucking her, while he was fucking me. Was I not enough?

  Excess saliva gathered in my mouth and I was certain I would vomit.

  Christian sobbed again, holding his face in his hands. I knew him well but I could tell there was something else. I gave him a stare I was certain would melt him down to nothing. When I met his eyes, he took a deep breath, which caused his chest to expand.

  “There’s a lot I need to explain, Scar.”

  I narrowed my gaze at him, certain fire would shoot out from my eyes.

  He’d done so well hiding all of this from me. Why tell me now? Why tell me at all! He ran a hand through his hair again, gripping the edge of the center island with the other for a moment. Then he took a deep breath, massaging his temples.

  I met his eyes and Christian turned away from me again.

  “Christian.” I pleaded.

  “She’s pregnant.” He said the words, slow and low, almost shamefully.

  I picked up the three-thousand dollar laptop that rested in front of me and hurled it in his direction.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Scarlett

  I left him.

  I’d no clue what I was doing but I left the only home I knew. I had nothing except for my car, a duffel bag full of clothes and a few credit cards. For the past few weeks, I was living in a Motel 6. I hadn’t spoken to or seen Christian in almost a month.

  It was freezing outside this morning. The sky was as grey and cloudy as my mood. I spent nearly all night up staring at the ceiling as I listened to the wind howl. When I saw Gabriella’s number on my phone, reluctantly I answered.

  She agreed to meet me for breakfast at a place nearby. Now, Gabriella sat across the diner table from me, with a pitiful look on her face. I stabbed a piece of pancake with my fork.

  “I’m sorry, Scar.” She whispered.

  I looked up into her kind eyes, just as she placed a hand over mine across the table.

  “He’s been calling everywhere looking for you. You can’t hide from the world.”

  I sighed, feeling the burn in my eyes. I didn’t speak. What was I supposed to say?

  “This is not how my life was going to turn out, Gabriella.” I said petulantly. “It’s always been about Christian. What he wants. What he thinks. His needs always come first.”

  Gabriella sighed.

  “You have to go home, Scarlett.”

  “Home?” I said as my voice broke. “I have no home, Gabriella. I don’t want to set foot in that house again.”

  Gabriella ran a hand through her dark curly hair and eyed me over.

  “This isn’t you, Scar. You look like hell.”

  I laughed out loud knowing it was true. I did look like hell. I didn’t think one day had gone by that I hadn’t cried. I didn’t think I could cry anymore.

  “I have a plan, Gabriella.”

  She gave me an incredulous look and cocked her head to the side, seeming all ears.

  “I’m going to get an apartment and put my business in place.”

  “Scar.” She said firmly. “You have to be realistic. Do you really want to divorce him?”

  I pushed back tears when she asked the question.

  Divorce was such a dirty word. It seemed everyone was divorced and for what I’d recently been through, I could see why. My parents were divorced. At least we didn’t have children to drag through the mess like my brother and my sister and I had been, when our parents separated their lives.

  “I can’t, Gabriella.”

  “Christian came by last night to speak to Reis. He’s a mess, Scar. He looks like shit too. He just wants you to come home so he can -.”

  “What?” I snapped. “Explain?”

  Gabriella sighed again.

  “I don’t want to hear anything he has to say.”

  “He loves you, Scar.”

  “Whose side are you on!” I said raising my voice.

  The other patrons in the diner stopped to stare at me.

  “Scarlett, I’m on your side.”

  I huffed, shoving a sausage into my mouth.

  “It’s just it’s hard out here, Scarlett.”

  “Oh, I see.”

  “You’ve always been with Christian.”

  I knew what she was getting at. She didn’t think I could survive on my own, without him.

  “She’s pregnant.” I said wiping my tears.

  If anyone knew how much that hurt, it was Gabriella.

  “He told Reiss, he told Jacqueline to get rid of it but she won’t.”

  I laughed. Was that supposed to make me feel better?

  “Christian has never come inside me Gabriella, not once! Not even by mistake. How could this happen unless he wanted it to.”

  Gabriella cringed at my graphic description.

  “I guess he lost himself in her, huh. It was that fucking good.” I said petulantly.

  “Scar, don’t do this to yourself.”

  I threw my silverware down in my plate and began to sob. Gabriella shot up from her seat and scooted into the booth next to me, putting her arm around me.

  “Scarlett, I’m really sorry.

  “Jacqueline is a whore and no matter what you’re more beautiful than her and Christian knows it. That’s why he’s a fucking mess right now.

  “You’re a good person.

  “Christian told you because he didn’t want you to find out any other way. I don’t know what to say that means but it took a lot of balls for him to tell you the truth.

  “He said you had a huge fight and you left before he could explain and that he couldn’t stop you. I think he thought it would only be a few days so you could cool off.

  “It’s been a lot longer than that, Scarlett. Christian is going out of his mind.”

  I wiped my eyes.

  “You don’t deserve this.”

  “I’ve always done everything he asked of me, Gabriella.”

  “I know.”

  “The cheating part is bad enough but how could he give her what I’ve been asking him for the last fifteen years?” I murmured. “How could he get her pregnant?”

  “I don’t think he meant to do any of it, Scar. It was all a mistake.”

  “We’ve been fucking.” I said angrily, digging a finger into my chest.

  Gabriella looked at me quizzically. “He’s been banging her and me at the same fucking time.” I spat out. “With no protection, clearly.”

  “Argh.” Gabriella said. “That’s disgusting.”

  “I don’t want his cock anymore Gabriella, since I’ve realized I’ve been sharing it. He will never touch me again.”

  Gabriella gave me a sympathetic look.

  I sniffled staring at the leftover food in my plate. “I want a divorce.”

  Gabriella huffed and shook her head. “Christian isn’t going to let you divorce him, Scarlett. You should know that.”

  Let me?

  “He can’t do this to me. He just can’t. Christian doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too.

  “What am I supposed to do, Gabriella? Go back to him and watch him have a baby with another woman?” I asked wiping my eyes.

  “You plan to be on your own?”

  “Yes.” I hissed. “I am going to get a place of my own and start over.”

  “Okay.” She said, clearly not believing a word I said. “How long are you going to stay at
the Motel 6?”

  I shrugged.

  I took what I could when I left but it wasn’t much. I still had the residual money Christian gave me to start my business. I had a car. I just needed to figure out the rest. Obviously, it would’ve helped if I had a real job all these years but again that was something Christian wanted. It was always about Christian.

  Mia

  I flipped through paint swatches and cradled my cell phone between my shoulder and my ear.

  “You’re going to keep it?” My mother Lonnie asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, sweetheart but raising a baby on your own is no easy task.”

  “I know.” I said.

  “But I’m proud of you. You’ve always stuck to your guns when you make a decision and I know how much this means to you.”

  I didn’t want to start crying again. The week had already been full of tears. I packed up the remaining boxes that belonged to Lauren and sent them via Fedex to her mother’s address in Indiana. I didn’t know what to do with Butterscotch but she seemed quite at home right here with me.

  I decided on a pale yellow for the walls of the room. The color was called ‘morning sunshine’.

  “I can come to visit you honey, just to help out.”

  “No, no Mom. Stay where you are. I don’t want you travelling.”

  Lonnie was nearly seventy now and had some health problems. We had a full-time nurse just to take care of her. Travelling had become even more difficult for her in the last few years.

  “You can always call me.”

  “Yes, I know mom.”

  “Have you told your dad yet?”

  “No.” I said quietly. “I don’t think he would be happy about this?”

  “Kieran would be over the moon, Mia. I just think his only concern would be that you’ve decided to do this on your own.”

  There was a long pause, while I focused on the clock ticking on the wall.

  “Tell him.”

  “I will.”

  “Have you heard from Lauren?”

  “No.” I said firmly, hoping to avoid the subject.

  “I’m really sorry about her honey but you know she’s never been good for your health.”