If Only Read online

  I chuckled.

  “Yeah, I suppose so.”

  “You need to find someone good for you, Mia. Someone that appreciates you.”

  “Well, I’m pregnant now, Mom. It doesn’t exactly make me a candidate for speed dating. I think finding a girlfriend is off the table now for a while. I think I want it that way anyhow. At least I can focus on the little life growing inside of me and not so much about love and all that shit.”

  “So bitter.” Lonnie mumbled.

  “I guess I am.”

  I stayed on the phone with Lonnie for nearly an hour, talking about the latest TV shows and books she was reading. It was always nice to catch up with her.

  I’d been locking myself away on most weekends, suffering from acute morning sickness, catching up with work, staying in bed, watching endless TV and ordering takeout. It wasn’t exactly a productive routine and only served to make me feel even more tired and depressed.

  I held the yellow swatch up in front of me again. It was pretty.

  The doorbell rang.

  “You have company?”

  “Ah, I don’t know. It’s probably Connor.”

  “Okay. Well, we can talk again tomorrow.”

  “Okay, Mom. I love you.”

  “Bye, honey.” She said before I hung up.

  I opened the door to find Connor standing there, holding a large pizza in one hand and a bottle of Pepsi in the other.

  He pulled me into a hug, while I rested my head against his chest. It was good to see him. When I stepped away from him, I wiped my tears.

  “I’m just emotional. I’m sorry. I really am okay.”

  Connor sighed and headed for the kitchen to set everything out.

  He placed everything down and then pulled something out of his back pocket. It was a flyer that was in all pastel colors.

  “It’s one of those birthing women things. I thought maybe you could check it out.”

  I unrolled the page. “Scarlett Brandon, Certified Doula.” I said aloud.

  When I looked further down, I noticed that the address was just outside of the city but it wasn’t far. Connor plopped in one of the stools and opened the pizza box, grabbing a slice. It smelled delicious but not everything delicious these days should go into my mouth.

  “You look good.” Connor said.

  “Thanks.”

  Butterscotch scurried into the kitchen and began to bark.

  “Whyyyy is that fucking dog still here, Mia?”

  I laughed. “I don’t know what else to do with her.”

  Connor huffed and ate his pizza.

  Scarlett

  I found a studio apartment just outside of the city. The rent was one hundred a week. The neighborhood was less than desirable but it was all I could afford.

  I built up some clients, three women. I’d already met them and their partners. A fourth potential client I would meet this week.

  Christian called me nearly every day. I let each call go to voicemail, promising myself I would eventually check it. I never did. I knew I had to talk to him but I didn’t have the courage to right now.

  Tossing the change from the money I made this week on the kitchen table, I sighed. It was exactly $218.91 and I still had to buy food. I had credit cards but they all belonged to Christian. I knew if I used them he would find out where I was and come looking for me. I didn’t have much left from the money he gave me to start my business after renting a space out of one of the local shopping outlets. It was only a small room but it was a start. I sat at the kitchen table and cried.

  I was avoiding my family. I was probably avoiding everyone. There was no point in thinking about my old life. It was gone. I was embarrassed that I was getting divorced and I was even more humiliated that some other woman was carrying my husband’s baby and people knew. Divorce exposes you to the outside world. It tells everyone that you failed – that something was wrong that you couldn’t get control of. It was embarrassing. I wanted to hide from the world...just fucking disappear. I knew my family would have questions that I wasn’t prepared to answer. I didn’t want the world to know I’d failed. At this point, I was sure I failed at everything.

  After fifteen years of marriage, I was now on my way to being divorced, childless and homeless if I couldn’t make the rent this month. I debated borrowing money from Gabriella but I knew I probably would never be able to pay it back. I had nothing of my own. Everything was in Christian’s name, even the car I drove. I was grateful he didn’t report it stolen and have me arrested, just so he could talk to me.

  The thought of Jacqueline carrying Christian’s baby made me feel ill but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t shake the anger and the envy and the jealousy I was feeling. She had what was supposed to be mine.

  I was thirty-seven. I had to accept I would never have children. I was going to die alone. Wiping my wet face, I chuckled thinking maybe I was being a little melodramatic.

  I looked around the tiny apartment. Sheets served as curtains until I could buy some real ones. I had no furniture, just a small arm chair I bought at a local flea market that reclined. It was my chair and my bed at night.

  Tomorrow, I was going to pawn my wedding ring and see what I could get for it.

  I needed to buy a television, along with the few other items.

  As angry as I was, I couldn’t help but feeling that I did this to myself. I allowed this to happen to me. I was so passive, like a doormat, allowing Christian to walk all over me during our entire marriage. Who knows if Jacqueline was even the only woman he fucked while being married to me.

  This was my fault. I was a fucking idiot.

  Mia

  In the morning, I sat across the desk from my boss.

  Mr. Schultz was an old man and a brilliant lawyer. I knew that he didn’t have a lot of respect for women in general but he liked me and he always told me I had promise.

  He removed his glasses and wiped them with a handkerchief he pulled from his pocket, while he kept his gaze on me.

  I wrung my hands in my lap waiting for him to speak.

  “Well, congratulations Mia.” He said in response to my pregnancy news.

  I smiled nervously. “I assure you sir that I will continue to be a productive member of this firm.”

  He nodded and sighed. “I don’t believe in prying into the personal lives of my employees but I have to ask, Miss Fisher.” Mr. Schultz pressed his silver brows together. “How do you expect to do this alone?”

  I chuckled.

  “I have three children of my own and even with my wife at home, I still had to hire nannies and maids. I’m just concerned for you.”

  “I have family and friends, sir. I will be fine.” I said lying.

  I knew I wouldn’t be fine. Each time, I thought of raising this child on my own, I came to a near panic attack. I was still debating what I would do.

  Mr. Schultz sat forward. “Being a partner of this firm is a lot of responsibility Mia and requires a lot of your time.”

  I nodded.

  “I just hope that your job performance doesn’t suffer with the birth of this child.”

  I could pick through the bones of his statement but I was certain it wasn’t even legal, what he was daring to tell me or implying.

  “It won’t, sir.”

  Mr. Schultz nodded and put his glasses back on and looked me over.

  “You’re a valued partner in this firm, Mia. I’m certain that your annual salary will cover most of your maternity expenses but we’d of course pay for anything you need.” He said.

  Mr. Schultz waved his hand around. “Nannies, cleaning people etc. The company will cover it.”

  “Thank you.” I said.

  “The most important thing is your commitment to this firm.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  I’d met with Mr. Schultz nearly three times in the past two days. His demands on me were only growing, along with my case listing.

  “You’re not
worrying about losing that pretty figure?” Mr. Schultz asked as I stood. “You have a lot of fans around here, especially on the board.”

  I smiled uncomfortably before responding. “I’m pretty sure that I’ll be able to drop whatever weight I gain after giving birth.”

  Why am I even saying this!

  “We wouldn’t want you to get fat now, would we!” Mr. Schultz laughed. “Plus, it would dampen your chances probably of finding a husband.”

  “I’m a lesbian, sir.” I said firmly. I’d assumed all these years Mr. Schultz knew, not that it was any of his business but I felt the need to clarify.

  “Oh yes, yes. The girl on girl thing. My niece is one of those too but she doesn’t look like you, Mia. You’re pretty and slim. My niece weighs about two hundred pounds and she probably has a thicker beard than my son.” Mr. Schultz laughed.

  The old man’s secretary Ashley walked in, placing a cup of coffee in front of him. She dropped two sugar cubes into the cup. I squinted watching her. Surely, Mr. Schultz could do that himself. I had a full-on view of Mr. Schultz staring down the front of Ashley’s blouse, while she stirred the silver spoon around in his coffee cup, slowly.

  Inwardly, I squirmed. Ashley stood and gave Mr. Schultz a sexy grin, licking her lips.

  Bimbo.

  “I need to see you at three tomorrow Mia, so that we discuss the Hershel case.”

  “Yes, sir.” I said standing to leave.

  Scarlett

  I stopped at a Whole Foods on the way home hoping to pick up a few things.

  Christian had left me more messages in the last few days. I missed him still and badly but I wouldn’t let nostalgia get the best of me.

  I sighed walking through the aisles on autopilot, tossing random items into my basket. How could you love someone you hate, hate someone you love? I wanted to tear Christian apart but then I also wanted to kiss him. I wanted him to hold me in his arms.

  Then for days, I began to think maybe I could forgive him, move past it. Instead of suffering like I was now, I could decide to not allow this to change my life forever. What would that make me? If that’s what I decided. A doormat? A coward? A saint? I was suffering, emotionally, mentally and financially.

  I was horny. So horny, I took pleasure when my jeans created an almost painful friction against the sensitive skin between my legs each time I walked. I wasn’t used to going this long without having sex but now I had no choice. I missed Christian’s touch, his smell. The sound of his light breathing as he slept. The feeling of his strong arms around me. I missed my husband.

  The hardest part now was sleeping alone. I missed him even more late at night. I took another deep breath and listened to the music from the soft rock station playing low in the background. The market was full of families and kids on a Tuesday afternoon. Toddlers screamed in the distance, likely begging for something their parents told them they couldn’t have.

  I got $600 for my engagement ring. I knew the money would last me at least a month. I went to several pawn shops before a man made me an offer. The ring was worth far more than that I knew but I didn’t have the energy to drive to another and spend an hour bargaining, so I took what was offered.

  I stopped in the freezer section and caught a glimpse of my reflection in the glass. Today, I actually looked pretty. My blonde hair was longer and my blue eyes looked fresh. I had on a light pink cashmere sweater, jeans and flats. I ran a hand through my hair, swiping it over one shoulder, letting it fall under the soft scarf that was wrapped around my neck. Each day, I tried to remind myself that I was still beautiful.

  I threw a few assorted Lean Cuisine TV dinners in my basket and headed to the snack aisle. It was tempting to overeat just to make myself feel a little better but that would only backfire and I would end up fat and miserable. I knew I needed to take care of myself the best way I knew how.

  I thought about Christian and wondered how he was doing. If he was taking care of himself. I wondered if he was eating since he never cooked. It angered me that in all my own suffering, I still thought about his well-being. I hated that I loved him so much and I hated it more that he knew it. I threw a package of dry apricots in my basket and then walked further down the aisle.

  When I rounded the corner, I saw a familiar silhouette. I jumped and hid behind the shelf, peering around the corner nervously. My heart dropped and my hands were shaking. I looked again and froze. All I could hear was the sound of my own breathing, as I took in the sight only a few feet away from me. If there was ever a word for how I felt in this moment, I couldn’t find it. I was full of bewilderment. Jealousy. Envy. Hatred. Bitterness. Wrath!

  The woman’s brown hair was up in a messy bun. She wore a long ivory sweater that hit the middle of her thighs. When she turned to the side, I had a full view of her large round belly.

  Jacqueline looked amazing for a woman that was pregnant. If my calculations were correct, she must have been pregnant while she sat across the dinner table from Christian and I at his last business dinner. She was pregnant when I last saw her in his office. God, I was a joke. Why was life doing this to me?

  Jacqueline was the woman walking around pregnant with my husband’s baby and I was the one hiding behind a fucking shelf.

  She casually pushed a grocery cart down the aisle and checked her cell phone, like she hadn’t a care in the world. My life was falling apart, while she seemed completely relaxed and unashamed about her circumstances. She was grocery shopping with money, while I was budgeting with pennies just to have food for the week! The reality made me feel rage.

  Then, I wondered how much time I could get in prison for murdering a pregnant woman. I took a deep breath knowing that was crazy but I would’ve been lying to myself if I didn’t admit I’d thought about it. This was all such a slap in the face. She fucked him which was bad enough and then she had the nerve to get pregnant and not get rid of it. I didn’t believe in abortion but in this circumstance, it’s what I would’ve wanted but if I wasn’t going to be with Christian, what fucking difference did it make.

  I stood behind the shelf again. A few feet away from me, a man watched me awkwardly and then shook his head. I knew I must’ve looked crazy, weaving, ducking and bobbing at what probably to him, looked like nothing.

  I eyed Jacqueline again, staring at the contour of her stomach. I wondered what it felt like to be pregnant and felt my eyes tearing over. When I stood from the shelf again, Jacqueline was standing right in front of me.

  My heart pounded as I looked right into her whorish eyes. Jacqueline lowered her phone slowly and opened her dirty mouth to say something. All I pictured myself doing was attacking her. I had to leave.

  “Scarlett.” She said breathlessly, as in shock as I was.

  I looked at her face again and then down at her stomach and back to her face. I backed away from her slowly, while she looked at me still in shock. I dropped the basket on the floor and all the items clattered out on the tile. I stumbled through the aisles, taking occasional glances at her behind me as she stood there watching.

  I didn’t know what the expression on her face was. Maybe a mixture of apprehension, embarrassment and pride.

  I wiped my tears as I headed out of the door and back out into the cold. I found my car and sat in it. I tried to stop crying before I turned the engine on. Time seemed to pass slowly.

  I started the engine, put the car in drive and used my sleeve to sop up my tears. When I looked up, Jacqueline had exited the grocery store, and was pushing her cart, while she spoke on the phone to someone. Was she talking to Christian?

  Gripped the steering wheel of the car, I kept my foot on the brake. The car had a direct beeline to where Jacqueline stood, unaware that I was watching her. I knew if I just hit the gas, the car would slam into her and hopefully she would die. This was all insane. I was being driven to the nut house! This wasn’t me. I wasn’t thinking clearly. Here I was, conspiring to kill her. I would end up in jail, while Christian would be free. I would be the c
razy woman and everyone would forget and completely disregard how I got there if I was convicted of a heinous murder. I was letting hate and anger rule me. Insanity was taking over!

  I accepted long ago that my heart was broken, shattered. I knew I would have to put all the pieces back together eventually but that was only if I could find them. Maybe the pieces were so small now, scattered and minute, that I would never being able to fix me. I didn’t know who I was anymore.

  Christian had broken us. Was I strong enough to not allow him to break me?

  I turned the key and put the car back in park, before I did something stupid and cried. Slowly, Jacqueline threw her car into reverse and pulled out of the parking lot. This was all so unfair. If only I’d been smarter.

  Scarlett

  This was unique.

  This morning I stood in front of Tony Bresser, his husband Roland and their surrogate Melinda. I smiled as I looked at the three of them.

  After griping about the weather for almost a half an hour, Tony took a deep breath. He was hyper and talkative and spoke entirely too loudly.

  Melinda was already three months pregnant. She was young and had a bubbly personality. I shook hands with the three of them and led Melinda along to the mat, for a customary massage. Roland sat at my desk filling out paperwork. Tony sat opposite Melinda and I and stretched out on the mat.

  “You’ve just opened up?” Tony asked.

  “Yes, been here about a month now. It’s been good.”

  Tony looked at me through the black frames of his thick glasses and smirked.

  “What do you make of this?” He asked, extending his arm to Melinda, then Roland and back to him.

  I shrugged, playing dumb to his obvious question.

  Tony laughed. He was aggressive and straightforward, much different from Roland. He reminded me of an annoying boss.

  “We wanted to have a baby. Adoption was an option but we wanted our own child. We are paying Melinda quite well for this service.”