If Only Page 11

  “Wow.” I said as I cut into my chicken fried steak, shoving a piece into my mouth.

  Scarlett began to eat again, playing with her pasta.

  I let it all sink in, everything she’d just told me. Now, I knew what the meaning of ‘sort of’ meant when she referred to her husband. Hopefully, soon to be ex-husband...

  She seemed embarrassed and I felt bad for her. I don’t think I’d ever seen a woman look so pretty when she cried. Her lips darkened. Her cheeks and the tip of her nose were a little red. Still, she was beautiful.

  I knew what heartbreak felt like and clearly, she did too.

  “What will you do?”

  Scarlett shrugged. “I don’t know.” She said. “It’s been months since I’ve seen him or spoke to him.”

  I cocked my head to the side watching her speak. I could tell she loved this man Christian by the way she seemed so torn. Rather than face what Scarlett knew she had to, she was running away, hoping that if she just ignored it maybe it would all disappear. I agreed that she didn’t have to make a decision now.

  “I always did everything for him.” Scarlett whispered.

  Women. I thought to myself. Always putting ourselves last for the goals, dreams, wants and needs of others. It was the one thing that I refused to allow to happen to me. If not, I would be just like Scarlett, unable to pay for $56.05 worth of items in the grocery store, when her precious husband was probably out eating lobster.

  “I’m sorry all of this has happened but you will be fine.” I said firmly.

  Scarlett took a deep breath, before she leaned forward. “Do you know my own mother told me to go back to him.” Scarlett said angrily. “Because she thinks I can’t do this on my own. It was such a betrayal, after already being betrayed.”

  Scarlett’s eyes burned with bitterness. “I knew he was fucking her, somewhere deep down. I knew it.” Her head snapped back up as her teeth scraped her fork. “Do you know how many times I asked him? Probably a million and each time he looked right my face with his dishonest, lecherous eyes and lied to me. He lied every single fucking time.” Scarlett snapped.

  I didn’t speak, just put a forkful of mashed potato in my mouth, while looking at her.

  Scarlett was on fire. It was the most animation I’d seen out of her since I met her. It was amusing and a huge turn on. She was pissed and she had a right to be.

  “I was so fucking stupid.” She mumbled underneath her breath.

  I placed a hand over hers, halting her criticizing, self-deprecating words. Scarlett looked up at me. I could get lost in those eyes that I was sure her husband missed.

  “You’re not stupid, Scarlett.”

  She shook her head. Her blonde hair swayed with the slow movement.

  “You’re just in love. It’s what it does.”

  I knew that was the truth more than anyone. A lone tear ran down Scarlett’s cheek. She turned towards the mirror to wipe it away and let out a soft breath.

  “I know we are in a business arrangement sort of thing but I’d like to think we are friends.”

  Scarlett nodded. “Yeah of course. I need new friends.” She laughed. “All of my friends are wives of Christian’s friends.”

  I groaned.

  “You can see the bias, right.”

  I nodded again.

  “I debating killing them. I just wasn’t sure in which order.”

  I stared at Scarlett with knotted brows. “Who?”

  Scarlett ignored my question and rambled on. “I bumped into the woman in the grocery store a few weeks ago. I debated killing her.”

  “Argh.” I groaned. “That must’ve been uncomfortable.”

  “I was going to attack her, beat her the fuck up. Beat the baby right out of her.

  “Then, I watched her leave the store from my car in the parking lot. I was going to run her over. She would’ve been dead.”

  I laughed but I was certain Scarlett wasn’t kidding.

  Scarlett laughed. “I was going to do it, I swear.”

  I laughed again, taking a long sip of my soda.

  “How many years legally could I get for doing that?” She asked, making a comical face.

  “Life!” I blurted out with a loud laugh.

  Scarlett giggled, then we were both laughing together.

  “I bet I have a story that could run almost neck and neck with yours but from what I’ve just heard obviously not quite. It isn’t as bad but it’s still pretty bad.” I said eyeing Scarlett over the rim of my glass.

  Scarlett froze, glaring at me while waiting for me to speak.

  Scarlett

  I listened to another old voice message from Christian.

  He took a deep breath before speaking again. “Jacqueline doesn’t work for me anymore.”

  She’s only carrying your baby? I don’t know how not being employed by Christian was supposed to make a huge difference.

  “I miss you so much.” He sucked in a breath. “I promise if you come home I will make everything better, Scar. I swear it. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t thinking.” Christian sighed. “I know we’ve always been honest with each other about everything and I failed at this. I was attracted to her but it wasn’t just that, Scar. It was me.

  “It wasn’t that she was more beautiful than you or sexy because she isn’t Scar and she’ll never be. It was as simple and she offered it and I took it. There’s no deep reason behind my decision and I ashamed to say that.”

  “I had everything I needed right at home. I still wanted you. You should know that.

  “I was just impressed with myself that I could have two women. I was just

  being greedy and arrogant.” He snapped.

  I was surprised at Christian’s honesty. He took another deep breath and sniffled.

  “I don’t want her like I want you, Scar. I need you to know that.

  “I love you. You’re my life.”

  “It’s my job to protect you and I know I’ve hurt you badly with everything…with this baby. “Christian’s voice trembled. “I’ve embarrassed you and I don’t deserve you. I never did. I know that.

  “I’m just worried about you being out there, living on your own God knows where.”

  “I’m patient but I can’t let this go on anymore.”

  Was he threatening me? I ended the voicemail. This was Christian’s way. He always got his way. I felt my face heat up as I dialed his number. I knew I was being irrational. The phone didn’t even get to ring before he answered it.

  “Scar?” Christian croaked out.

  “You cancelled my credit cards?” I questioned, raising my voice.

  “Scar, please listen. I know how it looks but it-it-it was the only way I knew you would call me. I need to talk to you.”

  I tried to ignore his broken, tear-filled voice.

  “Where are you? I can come and get you.”

  “Christian, I don’t have any money.” I said firmly, circling back to remind him of my earlier statement.

  Christian disregarded my plans to start a business so much, that he knew nothing about it. If he’d just looked up my website, he easily could have found out at least where I worked but I knew he hadn’t thought twice about it. I hadn’t talked to Gabriella much about it or anyone else in his circle. This is how it showed. That he had no interest in any part of my life that wasn’t about him. He sighed and began to speak.

  “I don’t have any money. I don’t have anything!” I screamed interrupting him.

  “Well, come home Scar please and we can talk about it.”

  I wiped the tears of frustration that were pouring down my face. “I don’t have a home, Christian.”

  “Please, don’t say that Scar because it isn’t true. This is your home.”

  I plopped down on the edge of the bed.

  “I know you were here Scar and not just because of what you took out of the trash.” He said. “I knew you slept in our bed, even if it was just for a little while.”

  I sucked
in a breath.

  “Thank you.” He whispered.

  “For what?” I sniffled out.

  “Because the scent of your skin was all over my pillow. It was the best sleep I’ve had in months. Come home Scar, please.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Where are you? I can come and get you right now.” He pleaded.

  “I can’t.”

  “Scar, please don’t hang up.” He rattled out. “Just talk to me, please even if it’s about nothing, please.”

  I sighed.

  “What do you want to talk about?”

  “I don’t know.” He sighed. “Just tell me how you’ve been?”

  I laughed. “I’m breathing, Christian. My heart is still beating, so I guess I can’t complain.”

  He sighed. “I miss you. Don’t you miss me?”

  I didn’t answer. This was Christian’s way. He always knew how to break me down. This conversation was unsafe.

  “I miss you, Scar.”

  “I want a divorce, Christian.” I said in a weak voice. Was I convincing myself?

  “Scar, come home so we can talk about this.”

  “As much as I love you, I know I can’t do this anymore.”

  Christian began to cry. “Scar, please.” He pleaded.

  “What do you expect me to do, Christian? Watch you raise a child with her. A child that I would be expected to take care of. Am I supposed to attend birthday parties with both you and Jacqueline?” I laughed. “This child is a constant reminder of the cheating, lying piece of shit you’ve been to me.

  He didn’t speak, only cried.

  “I’ve been asking you for a child for years Christian and you’ve always told me that it wasn’t what you wanted but yet, here Jacqueline is almost five months pregnant now.” I said with a shaky voice. “I probably can’t even get pregnant, Christian. I’m almost thirty-eight years old.”

  He cried harder.

  “I don’t know what you expect me to do.” You’ve given me no choice.

  “If you just let me see you Scar, I can explain everything. I just want to see you, hold you, kiss you Scar the way we used to. Remember?”

  “Yes.” I whispered. “But it isn’t that way anymore.”

  The pain in his voice was breaking my heart a little more. “Please don’t file for divorce, Scarlett. I’m begging you.” He sniffled.

  I sighed.

  “If you just come home Scarlett, it would give me a chance to talk to you.”

  Christian knew I always crumbled under his proximity. He knew if he was somewhere close, he could break me down with the sound of his voice and his touch. It was like kryptonite to my resolve.

  “Scarlett, I love you.”

  “I slept with someone.” I said.

  The line went graveyard quiet. God, it felt good to say that! Even if he was a college kid it didn’t matter. Justin could fuck non-stop and he made me come every single time.

  Christian made a strange noise and then swore. “It made you feel good to say that, didn’t it?” He asked petulantly.

  “Yes.” I hissed.

  It went quiet again and Christian groaned. “I deserve it.” He mumbled. “I hate that I’ve done this to us, Scar. I hate myself.” Christian took a shaky breath. “Please don’t file for divorce.” He whispered.

  I wiped the tears from my eyes. “I have to Christian.” We are broken now. More words I didn’t have the courage to say aloud.

  “Tell me where you are.” He said again.

  “I can’t.”

  “You have to come here. Don’t you need your things? Money? Come home and I will give you money for yourself and your cards back, so you can have something to survive with, while we’re on this break.”

  Christian was bribing me. His tone was bordering on desperation.

  “If you don’t want to come here, I can come to you, Scar.”

  I went quiet, considering a neutral place for Christian and I to meet.

  “Okay.” I said.

  “Okay?” Christian said with a hint of excitement in his voice. “Tomorrow?”

  “No, in a few days. I don’t know when. I will call you.”

  I sensed the irritation in Christian’s voice but he didn’t press any further.

  “Thank you, Scar."

  Scarlett

  Justin rested a few bills on the kitchen table that he pulled from his pocket. I narrowed my eyes looking at him from across the room, as he sneakily tried to rest them down without me seeing.

  “Justin.”

  He twisted his face looking at me. “I don’t have much, Scarlett. I’m just a broke college kid that still lives with his parents and sleeps on a twin bed but I can tell you need it.”

  “I don’t need it.” I said in a weak voice.

  “You don’t have any food here, Scarlett.” He snapped. “What are you even eating? It seems like half the time you don’t even eat, unless I bring something when I come here.”

  I laughed and looked away from him.

  “It’s just three hundred dollars. I can get you more if you need it.”

  “Please don’t, Justin. I really shouldn’t be taking from you.”

  Justin walked towards me and touched my hair, looking down at me. “Aren’t we friends?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, friends help each other Scarlett. I’m just trying to help.” He said pulling me into a hug. I pressed my face into the softness of the T-shirt he was wearing. It felt so good to be held.

  “You need to cheer up. My friends are having a party tonight. Why don’t you come with me?”

  I snorted a laugh. “I’m probably a little old Justin to be hanging out with college kids.”

  He smirked. “I doubt they’d even guess your age, Scarlett.”

  I exhaled.

  “Or, are you embarrassed to be seen with me? Am I just your boy toy? You can only hang out with me in the confines of this shitty apartment?”

  I whacked Justin in the chest and he gave me a big smile.

  “Come on, get dressed.” He said nudging me towards the closet.

  I arched my back and looked at the stucco ceiling running my hands through my hair. I wasn’t in the mood to be around anyone but maybe it would help. It hadn’t been one of my better days.

  “It will be all beer kegs, beer pong and loud music. It will be fun.” He said taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

  “Okay.” I said, sliding my feet into my flats.

  Mia

  Scarlett didn’t bat an eyelash when I told her I was a lesbian. It surprised me and then made me even more curious about her. The way she looked at me was different but still I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

  I told her about Lauren and how I caught her cheating on me, our long life story that resulted in a patched up and hidden engagement. I told her about our plan to have a baby, even though still after thirty-five years Lauren still hadn’t admitted to anyone she liked women.

  Scarlett just listened.

  The restaurant was busy and there were a lot of noise that echoed throughout the place but yet it seemed like the two of us were the only ones there.

  Scarlett wasn’t judgmental and the only thing she said to me was that she was sorry. I nodded. I long ago accepted my heart break. Lauren had been breaking my heart since I was fifteen. It was time for it to stop.

  I supposed that’s why the heart was made of such durable scar tissue, so that it could never completely tear after taking so long a beating.

  After stepping out the shower, I looked at myself naked in the mirror. I’d gained probably five or six pounds. I let my hair down and it fell over my shoulders. My breasts were fuller and I could see the contour of my belly now. It was now the most prominent curve on my body. All I felt was fat, when I should have felt beautiful. I slipped on a robe and brushed my teeth. Then I examined the lines in my face. I felt old and tired today. I always felt tired now. I knew I needed to cut back on work but I was under so much pressure to continue to pe
rform, despite the fact that I was now twenty-two weeks pregnant.

  I was horny, probably hornier than I’d ever been. I guessed maybe it was the pregnancy and being alone all these months. Still, sex was the last thing on my mind. I needed to accept I would be getting nothing until I could get this baby out. I sighed and then ran a brush through my hair.

  I liked Scarlett. I enjoyed just being around her and talking to her. She told me I could call anytime. I was also worried about her. The only woman that had ever affected me the way Scarlett did, was Lauren. Each time I thought about her I smiled. When I showed up at her business, it was like I instantly forgot about my long grueling day. There was something about how she touched me. It was almost as if she would make sure she didn’t miss one inch of me.

  There was big flutter in my stomach. I opened my robe and watched my pale flesh ripple and wave from the little life inside me as it moved around. I giggled when it happened again, placing my hand on the spot. I was happy but then I was sad again when I thought I should be sharing this moment with someone. I shouldn’t be alone. This was a moment to be shared. I snapped out of my misery and left the bathroom, knowing I needed a good night’s sleep.

  Scarlett

  The music was beyond loud. There was an indie rock song playing that I knew was from one of the Twilight movies. I shouldn’t be here.

  When we arrived at the small apartment, it was full of people. I meandered through the crowd of kids, that were drinking and smoking pot as Justin held my hand.

  “Hey, beautiful!” A guy called out that looked even younger than Justin.

  I scooted closer to his side and Justin laughed.

  “Relax.” He whispered in my ear.

  “Hey this is my friend, Scarlett.” Justin said introducing me to who he told me was Gareth.

  “Gareth is my best friend. We started medical school together.”

  I shook Gareth’s hand as Justin handed me a beer. I took a long chug, hoping the alcohol would calm my nerves. Gareth looked at me and then at Justin and then back to me.

  “You’re gorgeous.” Gareth said, whispering into my ear.

  Justin chuckled watching me blush and then pulled me off, deeper into the sea of girls and guys. After an hour, I was sure I was drunk but I was also having fun. Justin stepped away to play beer pong. I stood in the corner, listening to the music which seemed to have a real cool guitar rift. I was relaxed and I didn’t have to work tomorrow. I needed to take advantage of that.