If Only Page 8

  I sat in the chair at my desk, noticing the time. It was nine o’clock at night. I was tired but I didn’t want to go home. To that empty, quiet place. Running my fingers through my hair, I sucked in a deep breath. This wasn’t my life. It was as if I was living someone else’s. As if I was in a stranger’s shoes, looking out through their eyes. I lived each day, one by one, slowly taking baby steps towards independence. I never imagined it would be so lonely.

  Hopefully, soon I would be used to it all. Right now, I was just going through the motions. Get up, get dressed, go to work and try not to cry. It was my fucking mantra on repeat.

  Mia

  “You’re now thirteen weeks and two days, Mia.” Dr. Stuart said, looking at both Scarlett and I with a smirk.

  Scarlett’s blue eyes filled with tears when she looked at the image on the screen. She was as teary eyed as I was. It was cute. Dr. Stuart kept his eyes on her for far too long. Then I realized that the old man was attracted to her, which kind of grossed me out and then amused me all at the same time.

  Scarlett placed her hand on my stomach. “That is so adorable.” She said quietly in the dark room.

  When she looked at me I giggled, amazed at how in awe she was of this baby that was in my stomach.

  I told Dr. Stuart at my first ultrasound that I didn’t want to know the sex at all, until the baby was born. I wanted it to be a surprise. He nodded his, then raised his finger and said, “We can easily tell now, Mia.”

  I told him no again and he shrugged and then smiled.

  “I guess you like surprises.” He mumbled.

  I smirked, know I actually didn’t like surprises but this would be a good surprise.

  “You will be present during the birth?” Dr. Stuart asked Scarlett, bringing my attention back to the present.

  “Yes.” She said quietly as Dr. Stuart handed her a picture of the baby, showing the head and its hands.

  Dr. Stuart nodded.

  “I’ve made my recommendations on a water birth versus a hospital birth. I would recommend you have the baby in the hospital, since this is your first child Mia but of course, the decision is yours.”

  Scarlett’s eyes connected with mine and she shrugged.

  “I agree. It should be up to Mia.”

  Scarlett

  “You can keep it.” Mia’s said as I held on tightly to the ultrasound picture.

  “No, it’s yours.” I laughed softly, shoving it to her.

  “Please.” Mia said stopping her stride and squeezing my hand. “Keep it.”

  “Okay.” I whispered.

  We walked slowly through the glass walkway until we reached the end. It was still a bit chilly for April but the weather was warming up. I stood and bounced on my tippy toes, keeping my hands shoved deep in my pockets.

  “I’m just parked on the north side of the lot.” I said as people wondered around us.

  Mia stood next to me and leaned against the wall. It was odd to see her wearing sweatpants and sneakers but it was a good look on her.

  “You’ve finished work for the day?” I asked her.

  “I doubt it.” Mia grimaced. “I should though. I feel tired. I always feel tired now.” She laughed.

  “Well, you’re pregnant.” I told her smiling.

  Mia shrugged and looked out the window. It was strange. She was my client but it was more like we were friends or becoming friends. I didn’t want to assume. It was kind of her to allow me to keep the picture but I certainly didn’t want Mia thinking I was planning to steal her baby or something, once it came out.

  I laughed at myself.

  I stood next to her, looking out at the car-filled parking lot. It was late in the day and there were still a lot of people here.

  “Do you live far?” She asked.

  “Kind of.”

  I took a deep breath, pressing my forehead against the cool glass and Mia giggled. Then I steamed it with my mouth, writing the letter S in it before it slowly disappeared.

  “I like you.” Mia said.

  “I like you too.”

  “Thanks for coming here today.”

  “It’s no problem. I enjoyed it actually.”

  Mia nodded and the turned on her heel.

  “I will see you in two days.” I said giving her a wave and walking in the opposite direction.

  Mia

  This was unnatural.

  It was almost ten o’clock at night and I was sitting at my desk, eating takeout Italian food...alone. I don’t know who did this on a Friday night, except for me and probably all the other workaholics in the world. Everyone I knew was out at Happy Hour and I was working. It wasn’t like I could join them if I could. I mean I guess I could if I was willing to have a soda but that wouldn’t be any fun.

  I sat across the negotiation table next to Mr. Leonard Travers, who was suing his own son over a few acres of land and a hotel. His son, who was named Leonard too, shot up from across the table and threatened to punch his nearly eighty-five year old father in the face and then shove him in a home. This was all over money. It was always over money. Instead of Leonard Sr. cowering as I expected him to, he jumped up from the table and swung his cane in Leonard Jr’s direction, nearly connecting with his skull. It was like a scene from the Maury Povich show – absolute drama. When security showed up, I was grateful to be out of the way of the two men. The mediation would reconvene next week. I couldn’t wait. What had the world come to?

  In my profession, I was certain I had seen it all by now.

  I looked out the window and the twinkling stars above and the white city lights that blinked and twinkled ahead.

  I thought about this baby growing slowly in my stomach. How he or she would change me. I thought about it often. Each time I had a quiet moment, I considered how my life would change having a child.

  Could I be the version of Mr. Leonard Travers sitting across the table from my own son, fearing being assaulted? If there was one thing I knew about babies, it was that they don’t stay babies forever. Some grew up to be complete monsters, who forgot where they came from and the principles their parents instilled in them while they raised them. It was terrifying. That was far down the road, I told myself. I needed to think about the then and now – the next five years.

  I thought about Scarlett and how she was. I was so curious about her but I was wary of asking her about her personal life. There were only so many questions you could ask without seeming nosey and prying. I figured if she wanted to tell me anything, she would. Hopefully, she would.

  Scarlett

  I played a voicemail from Christian before going to bed. I’d been here nearly two months now. Usually, we were out having cocktails or at home fucking, after watching a good movie. I wondered what he was doing.

  This is what I did most nights, listening to one of the messages he’d been leaving me since I left home. There were hundreds. He called me every day and each time I let it go to voicemail. I was such a coward. They always made me cry. The sound of his voice made me cry but I couldn’t tear myself away from the torture of listening to his deep voice, that I missed so much. I put the phone on speaker. It was dated a month after I left home.

  Christian sighed before he spoke. “I know you’re angry, Scar.” He sniffled. “I just want to talk to you. I need to talk to you.” Another sigh. “I’m worried about you but I want to allow you your space but I don’t know how much longer I can let this go on for. I miss you. I need you home.

  “We can fix this. I need you to allow me to fix this.”

  Bugsy meowed in the background, which made me smile a little. At least someone’s life was going on as normal.

  “I’ve been thinking and I know this is not the ideal time but maybe we could have a baby. I want to give you a baby, maybe even two or three.” He mumbled something to himself and then spoke again. “I don’t know what else to do to make this right.” Christian made another sigh. “I just want you to come home, please. We’ve always been able to talk about everythin
g. I should have talked to you. I know I should have. I should have done a lot of things better.” He began to sob.

  I ended the message, letting the next one play.

  “I had a message from Jacqueline that she saw you in Whole Foods.” Christian muttered. “Fuck.” He hissed, audibly covering the phone with his hand, then he made a long sigh. “She said you nearly fell, then ran out of the store.”

  The phone went quiet, allowing only soft breathing to be heard.

  Just the fact that he could admit that Jacqueline had left him a message about me, made me want to rake the walls with my fingernails, until they bled.

  “I’m sorry, Scar. I wish you would tell me where you are, so that I can talk to you.

  I just - .”

  I ended the message, not wanting to hear any more of it. I flopped back on the old mattress that now rested in the center of the room. I finally had a bed. It wasn’t the most comfortable but it would have to do. I gazed at the bright stars in the night sky out the window. I flipped through my phone and looked through old pictures of Christian and I. I couldn’t help but think each time I looked at one, that I didn’t know the man in them.

  Who was the real Christian? I didn’t know. After fifteen years, I still didn’t know.

  It was the end of the month. My rent was due and I didn’t have it. I wanted to ask Mr. Greer, the apartment building manager for an extension but I didn’t know if I had the gall after he granted me one already. He was a stubborn old man and had owned this apartment complex for a long time from what I knew. After tomorrow night, I would probably be living in my car.

  I avoided even thinking of divorce but I needed to do something. I could stay tethered to Christian forever, even if I wasn’t speaking to him. Each time, I thought about filing, I became frozen, almost paralyzed with fear about letting him go forever.

  He might’ve been with Jacqueline physically but legally, he still belonged to me. Even if it was a small piece of him I could keep, still it was mine. It was the one thing about our lives I wasn’t forced to share. He was my husband.

  I didn’t know if I could ever let it go. I was scared. I was in the big bad world all alone, with hardly anything.

  “I’m scared.” I said the words aloud to myself.

  If Mia Fisher could resign herself to having a baby completely alone, then I knew I could do anything. Pulling the cheap shiny comforter up closer to my neck, I snuggled tighter to the pillow next to me. I stared once more out the window up at the full moon. Then my eyes became heavy.

  Scarlett

  “Please don’t leave.” Christian begs, marching after me as I move through the house, breaking things.

  I shriek so much that I’m now hoarse and panting for air.

  “It’s bad enough you’ve been fucking her but how could you get her pregnant, Christian! How!”

  He balls up his fists and punches the wall.

  “That was supposed to be for me, Christian. Your wife!”

  He sobs. “I didn’t mean to Scar, please believe me.”

  “Believe you!” I yell. “You’re liar! You’re a fucking disgusting liar. How could you do this to me?” I sniffle.

  His voice cracks. “Scar, please.”

  I shove some underwear into the side pocket of the bag.

  Christian and I were usually together. Then, he was at the office if he wasn’t already home fucking me. I wondered when he found the time to spend with Jacqueline.

  “When, Christian? When did you find the time to fuck her!”

  His chest heaves as he wipes his sweaty, tear-stained face. “Scarlett, please don’t do this.” He begs.

  I look at him through my watery vision, unable to stop the tears from falling from my eyes, that soak the skin on my neck.

  “When?” I ask through gritted teeth.

  Christian’s lip trembles and he sobs again.

  “At work.” He explains, hanging his head.

  “Where exactly?” I scream. “On your desk? Where you fuck me?”

  He drops his head to look at the floor. My lip quivers uncontrollably, when I open my mouth to ask him again. Then I realize his silence is my answer.

  “You make me fucking sick.” I say hoarsely, walking off again.

  I’m so angry, I could punch him right in the face.

  “I’m sorry, Scar.” He babbles out.

  I drop my head, staring at the hardwood floor beneath my feet. “She was going to tell me, wasn’t she? It’s the only reason, you’ve told me any of this!”

  He huffs a breath and buries his face in his hands. “I couldn’t risk losing you, Scar. You’re my life.”

  I let out a sardonic laugh, amused at his worthless words. I continue to move around the bedroom quickly, shoving a few items in a duffel bag.

  A painful expression colors Christian’s pretty face. The fact that he’s crying just makes me angrier. He did this! He hurt me. He destroyed what it took seventeen years to build and yet he’s the one crying!

  I’m the one in pain. My heart is completely broken, fragmented. It had shattered into tiny little pieces, like the five-thousand dollar Kosta Boda vase that crashed to the floor. Every single decision I made during my marriage to Christian, I questioned. I was such a fucking fool.

  “Please stay Scarlett, so we can talk about this.” He begs.

  “Get out of my way!” I shriek when Christian tries to grab me by the arm, as I head out the door.

  Each time I look at him, all I see is deceit and selfishness.

  I yank my arm away from him and leave the room.

  He follows. “Scarlett, please don’t leave. I can fix this. All of it. I love you. I do. Please, believe that.”

  I grab my car keys and sob uncontrollably.

  We’ve had fights before but nothing quite like this. This argument had escalated to unhealthy level quickly. I break everything in my path, hoping that if I shatter enough items in this house, somehow it would relieve the crushing sensation in my chest.

  I wonder if I’m having a heart attack or a stroke. My blood pressure had to be sky high, causing me to break out in a sweat and I can’t breathe. This life was strangling me.

  Christian grabs for my arm again when I move towards the door.

  “Let go of me!” I scream, physically shaking from the black rage that’s coursing through my veins. “If you fucking touch me again, I’m calling the police!”

  He stands frozen in front of me with wide eyes. He’s speechless and almost seems in shock at my Jerry Springer-loaded threat.

  Tears fall down his cheeks as he stares at me with the most hopeless expression. After what seems like forever, I move to fumble with the lock, finally getting it open.

  “Scar.” He says in a shaky voice. “Pleeeeeease.”

  I walk through the door, not looking back, leaving the only life I know behind. I let it slam behind me, flinching at the sound of it. It’s another knife through my heart. This is my home. This is my husband and yet I felt like nothing and none of it belonged to me anymore. It’s all up for sale, put on the market, shared with a whore named Jacqueline!

  I hate Christian. I want to hate Christian. I need to fucking hate Christian but I know I couldn’t no matter how much I try. I love him more than I want to admit and it makes me weak.

  I sit in my car and cry. When I look up, he’s standing in the doorway, watching me, fisting his hair in his hand.

  I turn the key, starting the engine. With no clue about exactly where I’m headed, I drive off into the cold night.

  Scarlett

  In the morning, Mr. Greer’s son, Justin loaded some old broken furniture into the back of a truck. As of lately, he always came on Saturday to clean up around the complex and to fix anything that might’ve been wrong with any of the apartments. Electrical, plumbing or any other problems, he was the fix it guy. I backed away from the curtains to the window, when he appeared to look up in my direction. I sat back down in the small kitchen area and sipped my coffee.

&nbs
p; I didn’t sleep well last night. Each time I closed my eyes, I dreamed or rather I had nightmares about Christian. Usually on a Saturday, he and I would go into the city to shop or head to the farmer’s market to look around. Now, my Saturdays were filled with nothing.

  I awoke this morning, reluctantly showered and dressed myself in a somewhat simple outfit. A pair of velour sweatpants and top. I pulled my hair up into a loose bun held secure by an elastic. I guess I looked pretty for a slum look.

  I heard a loud bang and headed back to the window. Justin and another man had tossed an old sofa into the back of the truck. It rolled onto some other furniture and then fell out onto the ground. He picked up the sofa again, heaving it into the back of the truck. Then the other man drove off, taking everything away.

  I bit my lip, staring out the window. He was young, much younger than me and attractive. When he stood straight, he ran a hand through his sandy blonde hair that was a little long for my taste but the look on him was sexy and carefree. He seemed like one of those guys that didn’t put too much thought into his appearances, which made him even more attractive. Then he laughed and I saw his smile. He had to be about twenty-five, if I guessed correctly. Justin was tall and big, not husky but I could tell that beneath the sweat top, jeans and boots he was wearing, he likely had a nice body, fit for a college girl. I was definitely lonely. I slumped back down in front of the television, pulling out a deck of cards. It had been a while since I played solitaire but it was a fun way to pass a few hours.

  It was almost lunch time, when I heard a knock on the door. I moved from the couch and peered out the window. Justin stood there, with his hands in his pocket, staring at the ground.

  I opened it reluctantly, looking him over. When he lifted his head and smiled, I felt that long neglected spot between my legs throb. Then he spoke. With him standing just outside the door, I realized how tall he was.